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Reposting — PLEASE RESPOND

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I originally posted this before I created an account, but now I am reposting it on my new account. 

A couple of years ago, I went through a very heavy OCD-related breakdown. At the time, I was home constantly – taking school online – so I did not leave my house much and used all of that time to think pretty much.

*Let me preface this part by saying that, I am a very spiritual person and do believe in seeing “signs” from the universe or spirits. In the house I lived in prior to this, I had experiences with a haunting and it was very negative and draining for me- this is going to sound crazy, but I would use a pendulum to communicate with it whenever I felt like I needed reassurance for my OCD. When I moved a year later, I had thrown all connections to that away and tried to move on.*

Flash forward to another year of homeschool, but in the new house this time. [I was homeschooled for about 2 1/2 years due to not being able to handle going to school anymore.] I had to use my laptop for schoolwork of course, and this was at a time I was still paranoid about the spirit from my old house. Whenever I’d use it, I started to get this compulsion that I had to look for “messages” whenever I’d see a group of letters somewhere (aka, laptop). Eventually, I felt like the “messages” I was receiving started to sound too ominous regarding my OCD triggers and I took it as a reason to believe I was being told I had done something I had forgotten, and thus, needed to investigate. This didn’t just occur out of the blue and happened over a period of time where I’d “check” to see if something was telling me something.

Eventually, that morphed into me believing I was being told I had killed someone. —No voices in my head or anything like that, but basically a construction of a narrative from spiritual belief. In that year, over time, I would obsess over the news/look at cold cases/feel paranoid if a cop was behind us in the car/etc. And that turned into me having visuals added to the paranoia, along with having very very VERY strong feelings of going back to that “moment” and feeling everything you’d feel when going back to a memory. This progressed and worsened over time obviously- to the point that I felt like I was having intense flashbacks and spurts of recollection just like any memory would feel (what really boggles my mind is that I only see people with harm OCD talk about having images pop up in their mind, doubt, etc. so that sends me down another rabbit hole of worry). It genuinely concerns me that people say “but I have had no memory of this, just doubt!” when I have had moments where it definitely wasn’t just doubt (or images).

Here’s the kicker: despite feeling like I’ve had moments of realizing it’s a real memory, going back to “a” moment, feeling myself “be” there, etc — I have never once recalled any details of where I was, what exactly I was doing, what happened, or what the situation could’ve even logically looked like. And that led me down the path of worrying that I repressed a memory of harming someone.

Now, do keep in mind, I would have to have been 14 years old if this were to be a real occurrence (of me harming someone) and I was about 15-16 when I began having this false memory debacle. I say that because the only time I had harm OCD relating to murder was at 14 years old and it did heavily dissociate me, but I do not remember having any plans to go and kill someone or any desire to leave my home.

I just want to ask — has anyone had some sort of similar experience with false memories before!?? Where it feels like it takes real memory and completely fabricates a false moment? I feel so alone and lost, even almost 5 years later.

DISCLAIMER: I have received therapy for this issue, and while it has helped sometimes, I am extremely worried that he just assumes it’s like any other case — and I can’t tell if it’s not because I’ve never had anyone relate (not talking about the spiritual stuff, I am mostly speaking about the real-ness of how everything felt and how it is described). Also, no I do not have schizophrenia or anything that would cause delusions, or at least I don’t think so.

I guess what my point in posting this is — I have been on OCD forums looking for stories similar to mine (not the spiritual details or how it came to be) such as, how the “memory” feels and how my mind doesn’t even necessarily put an image next to it when I get these feelings!! I’m extremely worried (and suicidal) that I could’ve harmed someone and repressed it even though I can’t even imagine myself doing that. I want to fit into the false memory OCD label but I can’t help but feel so, so, so alone.

To make matters worse, I went on my local news website & searched cases from that time period & found a “suspicious death” which happened when I had a large gap in my Facebook activity. And it’s strange because in the months/years surrounding that, I don’t have a gap as large as that anywhere. For reference, I live in a small town so it’s hard to believe this as coincidence. My assumption is I was dissociated during those days and had an aversion to social media or something. I don’t know, I just feel like giving up.

If anybody wants to read this, please do. I’m sorry if any of this is distressing or weirds anyone out, I’m just trying to piece my life together.