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Forum breadcrumbs - You are here:OCD ForumOCD HELP FORUM: HOCDMy struggle

My struggle

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Hi i am a 17 year old girl from Turkey. And I'll tell my journey with ocd with the hope of somebody understands. My struggle kinda started in march 2020 with a dream and hocd questions started popping up. But i think there were signs of ocd in my life. But it wasn't as big as it would have an impact on my life or even count as an illness. So like 'til July-August 2020 i was questioning occasionally and was avoiding so many stuff. So i was quite fine but always looking for reassurance from family and so many stuff that i can't even remember. I had so many different eras. Then i started check if i like woman and checking was happening automatically. I was freaking out. I was seeing a psychologist before OCD and it wasn't about ocd and her and i talked about these thoughts of mine just a little and not always and i didnt even know what ocd was. I learned by youtube videos and articles but everyone around me was like this is just teen problems stop trying to tag things. September was definitely the hardest month i had. I was constantly crying everyday to my father for this to stop. Nobody was helping. Nobody understood. I suspect my mother has ocd she always checks the lights or the oven but she denies it. My friends and i were falling apart. Everybody was so sick of me talking constantly about my ocd thoughts and confessing. The reason i got worse was i was doing exposures but i wasn't responding right and i needed proof that i had ocd but psychologist said maybe it's not we cannot know so i stopped seeing her and my life turned upside down in September. But i started to do ERP and Ali's videos were really helpful. Then i had a crush on a boy and was getting kinda social at school everything was going great. But i started questioning my feelings for the boy and like everything. And i was always an anxious person but physical symptoms were never this intense. Now i am kinda better. But i have sexual thoughts everyday and gender/age doesn't matter. It's about everyone. My mind works so dirty and i feel guilt constantly for things I've done, i thought, i should've done. My social anxiety has never been this worse. Now i have crush on this other boy which i actually talk but schools are closed and i keep ruminating over everything. I am sick of everything just reminding me sexual stuff. Now i am just uncomfortable with anything sexual. And media is built on sex so everything is litterlary a trigger. I wanna go back to normal. I was always an overthinker but never this much. Everything i do feels fake. It's like i am not even living my own life anymore. I lost motivation in everything and i have a huge exam that will get me into collage but i stopped doing homework or studying. I started seeing an another psychologist and we talked once for an hour and she said we cannot tell yet if i have ocd that she needs more information and i will see her again on Monday so like 1-2 days later. But i just don't know what to say. I obsess over everything now. Whatever i think it just sticks. So many people say there is no way back to normal. And i just hate myself and i hate the person i became. I wanna get better but i keep falling back to that rabbit hole. Please help me. I don't know if i gave enough information but it's so freaking exhausting telling this story over and over again. Even though i don't tell my problems to people anymore i keep telling what happened in my head like a story. I know talking about my problems shouldn't be something to avoid but people made me feel like i have nothing important to say or like i am not struggling enough. I don't know... If you made time to read this thank you so much. 

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Hello. I want to tell You that I also had some HOCD problems. Actually I am having them quite often. 

Firstly, You have to understand, that You were born as You were. It means, if you are straight, it stays that way. You have to undestand that you have a disorder, like many other people do. you have OCD. Try to live normal, dont ruminate that topic. You are a girl and you are interested in boys, that is who you are and nothing is going to change it. 

You are having strange thoughts in your head, but they are only thoughts. Thats not real. Try to study, do normal daily activities. You have to know that anxiety will go down eventually. It is on extremely high level, but You will feel better. I guarantee You. OCD is something that can be overcome. 

Don't avoid people, don't avoid normal ordinary activities. Try to live normal. When your mind will be busy on other topics, anxiety will automatically come down 

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I realised on my own example, that doctors, therapists, that didn't suffer with OCD, often doesn't know how it works. You should rely more on people who actually struggled with OCD (like Ali). I found many videos on youtube about OCD, they are very helpful for me. 

Don't be worried if any doctor/therapist told You that you are not gonna recover. You will. You will live normal life. You have to believe it

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This is definatley ocd. Its important that you know how ocd works so really try to watch ali's videos they seriously help a lot. Also, understand that its completely normal in ocd to have feelings and thoughts, sensations, urges, its all normal. Try to start response prevention by disregarding your ocd thoughts and feelings when they come in. If you cant take out compulsions completely, try to reduce them til they go away entirely. I know how hard this is, you can do this!