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Is this false memory OCD please?

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Hello, I came here as I need a help with my OCD. Well, to be honest, I do not really understamd what is going on. I thought I suffer from harm OCD. But as I go through other's stories I can see some similarities like they are afraid they can hurt someone they love, they are avoiding knives for example, etc. I am getting intrusive thoughts like 'die' - I do not want anyone to die of course!, but it is like I am thinking about someone and suddenly I get this or similar very intrusive thought. Everytime I get this thoughts I have to wash my hands. Again, this is different from other's compulsions as mostly people with this type of OCD are ruminating, googling, etc. Well, to be honest I do not know why I am washing my hands. I cannot touch the thoughts hence why hands??? It sounds crazy I know. 

I have started to do ERP. As there are no specialists here in this kind of therapy I am doing it on my own. 

But my mind has found another way how to bully me. When I started to feel some progress in my recovery I thought I have it under control finally. No way. Now I get a thought towards me for example like ok, I will die. Fine, I just disregard the thought and I am doing what I did before the thought hit. But suddenly I find myself thinking and ruminating about the thought in terms of was it really towards me? Wasn't the thought addressed to my son? Or someone else? And this is so tricky that it always gets me back into compulsions so I am washing hands. Then I am crying because I feel like I lost my mind, I am pretty sure that the thought was about me and not anyone else but the doubt is still there what scares me a lot because I love everyone and I do not want to lose anybody. Could this be false memory? Is here someone who has similar thoughts and hand washing compulsions to neutralize them? I appreciate your experience and help. Thank you

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Hello. First thing you have to do is stop ruminating and stop washing hands as a compulsion. Also it doesn't matter to whom the thought was directed to because it's just a thought. That is magical ocd telling you your thoughts have power. You can do this God bless.

Susan Oliver has reacted to this post.
Susan Oliver
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Quote from Guest on January 3, 2021, 11:05 am

Hello. First thing you have to do is stop ruminating and stop washing hands as a compulsion. Also it doesn't matter to whom the thought was directed to because it's just a thought. That is magical ocd telling you your thoughts have power. You can do this God bless.

Hello, thank you for your reply, I really appreciate that 🙂 I have started the second stage of ERP (well, I call it the second stage and it means that as of yesterday I have completely stopped all compulsions). I have reduced them already 2 weeks ago however I still had a few setbacks. Today is the second day of my new plan and so far I am doing well 🙂 Of course I am receiving more intrusive thoughts. I am receiving them literally like every single minute of the day but I have stopped fighting them. I am assigning them to the OCD which is a true owner of those thoughts and not me. It hurts. Of course those thoughts hurt a lot. But those are not my thoughts and I clearly know my true values. Also I have realized that no matter whether it is harm OCD or false memory OCD, the treatment is still the same. Disregard the thought, resist the compulsions and continue in what I was originally doing 🙂