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i don't think is ocd anymore, please somebody help me

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I have pure ocd and my biggest fear is developing schizophrenia or having a psychotic break, in fact I attempted suicide because of my ocd.
But lately I've been great, I'm back to being me, I hang out with my friends, I have plans, I feel happy and looking forward to getting over this but a few days ago something happened to me and now I can't get it out of my head.
I went out for drinks with my friends and some friends of my friends and while sitting on a terrace I saw my drink far away from me, It was next to a girl who is a friend of my friend and I said, how did this get here? Suddenly when I grabbed my drink I had an intrusive thought like, what if she drugged it? I ignored him, I ignored him and I was great, talking laughing and suddenly when I went to drink it my head went again, what if she drugged you? All this while I had the liquid in my mouth and I started to think, what if she really did it? She does consume any kind of drug and she is not a person with whom I feel comfortable or trust her, what if she has poured something in my drink for fun? So my paranoia spoke for me and I spit out my drink just in case. I didn't think about it any more, in fact I was great with the girl talking and having fun, it was like that all night until I got home and I said, fuck, I am a little paranoid xd and everything was great, the next day I had a consultation with my psychologist and I told her about it, I told her that I did act paranoid, she told me that me spitting out the drink was an impulsive act, that nothing happened but as we were talking my mind realized that I did not reason with myself when I had that intrusive thought, I did not say to myself, no of course she is not going to drug you, don't be paranoid, I didn't say anything to myself to convince myself that it was not true as I had done many times with any other type of intrusive thought, in fact I saw it as a possibility that she would drug me, yes I know I was a little paranoid, but I did not see that I was wrong to have my doubts, I saw it as normal for me to doubt her and now the problem comes because I am afraid of not reasoning if I have another type of intrusive thought and I do not see or do not feel that what I am considering as a possibility is actually crazy, for example, I am walking down the street and there is a person behind me and my head tells me that he is going to push you to get hit by a car, and that I see that as a possibility, I don't know if I am explaining myself, I hope I am, that is what I am afraid of, having an intrusive and irrational thought but not seeing it as irrational, seeing it as an option, referring to the example I have given, my biggest fear right now would be to see as a possibility that this person would push me to get hit by a car, to believe my intrusive thoughts as I did that night with the girl and the drink, to believe that this person wants to push me and I myself think is that yes, he wants to push me he wants to kill me and I do something to this person to defend myself, I am very afraid if this happens to me, I do not want to believe my intrusive thoughts and I am crying all the time and I do not want to have a relapse so strong so please if someone helps me I would be very grateful, is this ocd or am I going crazy?

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This sounds just like ocd for me. I get what you mean with the fear of not thinking the thought as intrusive but as an option, but I think it’s still ocd.

 

There’s just same kind of situation with me and my suicidal ocd. It’s easy to recognize the thoughts that comes 100% surely as intrusive: when my mind just randomly says ”Stab yourself!” I’m just saying ”Blah, you are ocd.” 

But that’s the point when your ocd gets tricky, because it needs more power (because your brain is trying more and more to protect you). It wants the anxiety response, and when you are not anxiety with the thoughts you recognize as intrusive, it gives you some sneakier thoughts, urges or feelings. When my ocd says ”I want to kill myself and don’t even feel anxiety about it”, I absolutely don’t see it as intrusive thought. I see it as my worst nightmares coming true. I’m not anxious in that moment, just feeling a bunch of fast and random feelings, and the 10/10 anxiety comes afterwards. I now little by little have learned that even these worst moments of not recognizing something as ocd is still ocd. It helps me to stop in those moments and think: ”Does this make me feel relaxed and good? Would I think this way when I’m feeling like myself? Can I think clearly? Am I calm? Is there some kind of feelings hard-to-recognize?”

Not thinking these things like compulsive way, but mindfully observing whats happening. These thoughts work for me, but in your situation the observing thoughts can of course be different.

 

It seems to me that maybe these moments in your life are same kind of ”non-recognized” parts of the tricky imp called ocd.

 

Hope you all the best! I think you are absolutely not going crazy.

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