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I did a Reiki Healing Session and now I feel like I'm gay


Hi all I am a pretty spiritual guy and have been all my life- anyway in my entire life (I am 28) I have never had 1 single gay thought or suspicion or anything and super comfortable with my sexuality of being straight, didnt mind gay people etc. Then in December 2020 I got pretty stressed out from family illness, and all of a sudden had a thought "What if I wanna kiss this guy" even tho I didnt. Then I had HOCD for 2 months straight and then suddenly I had a headache and thought "What if my iphone radiation is making me sick" so for 3 weeks I had headaches every day when I looked at my phone (this never happened before, and while this OCD was happening i completely forgot about my HOCD), then I had some heart arythmia so then the radiation and HOCD left me and I forgot about it, and I had this for 2 weeks.


Anyway, I just did a Reiki healing session 1 week ago, and the whole time i dunno why but I was thinking about my HOCD and potential sexual abuse when i was a kid from a man- after the session i asked the lady why I was thinking about the HOCD and she said it is a sign and i need to explore my sexuality. She "sensed" that when I was 15 years old something traumatic happened to me (which it did) and I blocked off my gay sexuality then, thats why I never felt it in my life wtf.


After the session I looked at gay porn and got turned off, then watched straight porn and liked it. But that night I felt this intense nice energy around my groin area I havent felt it before, and I was fantasising over a bunch of things including gay things and I got aroused...


Then the last week my life has been absolute hell because when I think of gay things that arousal energy keeps coming to me and I say to myself maybe i am meant to be with a man.


I have had sex with around 300-400 girls in my life and I love them, I can still have sex with girls now but my brain tells me "oh youre with the wrong gender" I dunno wtf is going on with me somebody please help I want to commit suicide


Turn to Jesus. He will save you


First off, stop checking and asking for reassurance, not only from others but yourself. You need think about these how’s thoughts for what they are, ocd thoughts.

A trick that worked to help me identifying a ocd thought. When a thought comes in and it causes anxiety, I know it’s ocd.  Why would something you like or want cause ocd? Desires should bring joy and happiness. 

Start disregarding those ocd thoughts. You’ll feel better 

Dawg and Seamstress have reacted to this post.

I also experienced it quite "spiritually" and similar to you. And also that high vibe energy when it comes to that hocd feelings. And since I often had inspired thoughts in my spiritual path, HOCD thoughts were very distressing.

I had that same impression/ interpretation that it's  "meant to be" (like every spiritual guy sees nearly everything in that world ?) and the woman who was guiding me spiritually said it would be my large/ higher self, like you can not run away from who you really are. So I started fighting and that made it worse, bc it gave me that feeling that I "had to be gay in my life from now on" und I'm having a bad conscience if I did not. Plus my attraction to girls diminished and that raised the fear again. Really adventurous what we´re going through ??

I also had relatively many sexual contacts with women (not quite 300-400), but somehow that was a burden and in that case I welcomed the Hocd thoughts a bit to overcome it. I also wish that old  attraction back, but I see it a bit as an opportunity to discover and appreciate women an a new level, when OCD is over.

But after all I think, that we can not answer that spiritual question of (high energy vibe and life purpose) and have somehow stop fighting it and let it be what it is and not overvalue it. 

I was coping my Spiritual-HOCD-Drama by turning to Jesus Christ and leaving those new age-paradigms. From the beginning I knew that even impossible things are possible with him and he has been carrying me through this crisis. Moreover I learned not to fight against HOCD impressions (or use him and religion to fight against that HOCD-induced-reality), but let it be, accept and let it lose its power. At the same time that christian way is not easy because of their  partly challenging sexual morality standards,  

I dont know yet how to handle it nor am I over it and I am still depressed and have that identity crisis, but it is losing its power more and more and it's getting better every week. 

Until now the key has been to recognize, that most of the conflicts were about the hocd-related conflicts were a fight against something that doesn't really exist and to let them go.

My next step ist accepting all those perceptions and not (over)react. And let's see where we get.

God bless you