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I can’t cope anymore. POCD False Memory,


I am currently going through the most troubling time of my life.

I’m 24 and i have had OCD for around 5/6 years now, although undiagnosed (haven’t visited a doctor) I have a very obsessive personality and mind.

When i was young I have memories of humping with my sister, this was when I was like 9/10 years old, maybe younger. And I also have a memory of humping when I was 13. I felt bad about these for months but then I learnt to get over it.

What I am dealing with now. When I was 18 I had my first serious relationship with a girl. If I recall correctly I was struggling with OCD when I got with her, anyway. She had a younger brother who was 6-8 years old I believe. I do not recall anything happening at all. I remember actually being kind of wary around him as to not set off my OCD.

I remember one time whilst myself and my girlfriend were taking him out to the park one day and as he was getting changed his trousers dropped a little exposing a bit of his bottom, and I looked away as soon as I saw, but then to confirm I didn’t feel anything sexual I looked again. My OCD played on this for a month or longer convincing me I am a monster.

The theme at the moment is at that I humped her brother, and that I touched him inappropriately etc, it makes me feel horrible.

i have dealt with the intrusive thought/memory of this before and I managed to move on from it.

I could usually use my OCD and the fact I have no attraction to children as a reason as to why I wouldn’t do anything with her brother. My mind keeps giving me blurry “memories” of when it could of happened, the more I go into the memories and try to prove they didn’t happen the more complex and blurry they get.

I am in constant worry and guilt and I can’t help but think “what if it actually happened but I just forgot”. I am terrified about what I would do if someday I realise it did happen. I am honestly just wondering if suicide would be a better option to save the constant stress.

I am hoping to see a doctor tomorrow to start therapy but even the thought of it worries me and I start worrying if I’m going to find out it’s not a false memory, or that I don’t have OCD and I’m just using it as a cover up.

Does anyone else have a similar experience when dealing with POCD/false memories? Thank you for reading.


Hi, You need to reduce your rumination time.  The more you ruminate the more real it seems. At this moment it seems very real so you have to trust me that it’s just ocd. Track the time and reduce, I promise it will start to lift as the time reduces. Don’t give it the fuel that it needs to run. I added the time tracking below.

Wake - 9am - mins

9 - 12 - mins

12 - 3 - mins

3 - 6 - mins

6-9 - mins