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Forum breadcrumbs - You are here:OCD ForumOCD HELP FORUM: HOCDI am left handed

I am left handed

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Quote from starstruck on February 5, 2021, 5:24 am

It feels so real. It feels as though I want it even though I don't. I don't know what to do, the thoughts just keep lingering, I can't ignore them forever. I just want it to stop. I want a nice future with a nice husband and kids, this is my ideal future. And now these thoughts are trying to disrupt all of that. I don't want that I just don't. I can't deal with it anymore. And sometimes it feels so real, it feels as though I'm destined to love and be with girls and I really really don't want that and I just don't know what is real anymore. I just want to be normal again. By the way this is day 3 of my mindfulness program.

Its exactly what i go through and a daily basis and my chest tightens and i want to scream and kill someone... it comes whenever it decides to... I drive, i walk somewhere- its on constant alert. I am a male- married with my wife that i have been with for over 10 years... I will share my story with you some day- Just remember this...

How many times as it said or thrown something at you? How many of those times that felt so real came true? None... because it never will! OCD will literally attach it self to anyone... and i MEAN ANYONE. The issue is we have charged it up so much that it attaches to everything. When it has nothing to attach itself to.. it just says you are that.. you want that.. its you... you want it.. its real... the WHOLE lot... and i know what you are going through... It is all lies- It is all BS.

I am still in recovery and some days are harder then others... i have lost so much from ocd, however i see a great professor who specialized in OCD and is a world renown phycologist for OCD and i pay almost $500 a session. 

People who are that are ACTUALLY born that way. That is the honest truth. People do NOT turn and they DO NOT CHANGE. I do not want to get you reassurance... but remember how many times we have charged it up fighting against it... its going to take a bit to recover from it. I swore when i first saw my professor that i would not do ERP- but he assured me, trust me- If anything happens i will eat every bit of furniture in this room. I do ERP sessions every day or so.. Some days are easier then others. Some days the OCD attaches the ERP and it becomes a Ritual. I did a ERP session and almost broke the bed how hard i was grabbing the timber in distress and watched it all fade away like it never happened.

We need to help each other to get through this- I am fortunate to have some of the best support. I am willing to help those who struggle like i am and have in the past!

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Dawg
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That above mesg was me btw- The computer was not logged in 

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This honestly really helped me^. It’s so funny too because the amount of ocd themes I’ve had is INSANE. Yet, when a new one arises, I think “this is the one that must be real”. I have never had any feelings for girls i am a straight girl i have had boyfriends, crushes on guys, always imagining marrying a man and all of that. Yet, recently these HOCD thoughts have taken over my life and try to attack every aspect of it. I know I am not gay- yet i still doubt it because of stupid ocd. Ive had this intrusive thought maybe 3 other times in my life but i had other more prominent themes at  the time that were more obsessive but also my ocd was a lot lesser than it has been this year,  and i used to dismiss these thoughts and be like “its not real you know that whatever”. But for some reason NOW they MUST be real. It’s a sick game ocd, one week i had hocd thoughts the next day i saw a trigger about self harm and BOOM the hocd thoughts didn’t bother me at all anymore and the self harm thoughts and obsession took over. It’s really all about realizing this is a theme of ocd, this is just ocd. This is not anything more than that. People are born gay, they grow up knowing what they like at a very young age, and by NOW if you liked girls you would have known a long long time ago. This is just the twisted game of ocd, I struggle every single day but i refuse to give up. If we believed all of our intrusive thoughts we’d be insane. It sucks but i promise each and every day is baby steps!

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starstruck
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I get that too. But very recently I have understood that what I have is called OCD. But recently the OCD has been twisting my memories too. I have been remembering every single time I have found a girl attractive and it is telling me that that means that I liked her. But honestly I have never liked girls in that way. I have just admired them and wanted to be friends with them. But nowadays even if I find a girl a bit attractive, the OCD is triggered and I start freaking out. I try and sit with the feelings but I don't know for how long I can do that without entertaining those thoughts. And I am really afraid that someday when I actually like a guy, my OCD with jeopardize that relationship too. I am just really really afraid that I am actually gay. I don't wanna be gay. I really don't. But this feels so real, it's twisting everything I say, everything I look at. Will these thoughts ever stop by mindfulness exercises and all that? Like I have had these thoughts before too but I have always ignored them because there is no logical basis for them but this time for the past 2 weeks they have been the most intense and I can't give logical explanations this time because they just won't stop.

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Even when I type 'I am not gay' here, the OCD is triggered. Like I am just so fed up with it now. I can't be gay and I'm not.

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Stop looking for reassurance..... Stop enagaging it! you engaging the OCD is what keeps it going! You need to sit with the distress and keep moving on- NO MATTER WHAT

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starstruck
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I am just really afraid that I'm just in denial. It just feels so real. I don't know what to do. How can I keep moving on?

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Quote from starstruck on February 7, 2021, 1:24 am

I am just really afraid that I'm just in denial. It just feels so real. I don't know what to do. How can I keep moving on?

Because OCD knows your are scared at that point- It hold you hostage RIGHT THERE in the sweet spot where it knows how to FREAK you out. You have to sit with it and try to move on and NOT FOCUS on it.

... and the thoughts wont go aware straight away- they keep coming and coming and coming like every second- but you just keep on doing you thing remembering- That nothing ever happened and IT NEVER WILL. Its not you, it never will be.

That is the last reassurance i will give

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Do mindfulness exercises help? Like I try to do them everyday but right now cuz of exams I can't. But do they help?

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Quote from starstruck on February 13, 2021, 1:34 pm

Do mindfulness exercises help? Like I try to do them everyday but right now cuz of exams I can't. But do they help?

Forget the mindfullness stuff- its just a form of coping mechanism. You are not here to cope with it- you are here to get rid of it, and the only way to start is by sitting with the thought when it comes in... without touching it, looking into it... examining.. NOTHING. Do nothing. You saw it come in.. and leave it there..... When you get good at that, you then need to bring on WHATEVER it is that freaks you out and do the same... Your mind will than recongnize there is no threat and stop attacking

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