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HELP with my HOCD Please

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Hello!

I am suffering of HOCD since few months. It is a very stressful and painful situation.

I am a girl and I am 21 years old. I have always liked boys and I have always been in heterosexual relationships. I am currently in a relationship with a wonderful man that I love with all my heart. However, I started having intrusive thoughts about my sexuality. it all started one day when my boyfriend made a joke about how one of my course mate was more interested to me as a "lover" than as a friend (she has a boyfriend so that was not true). Since then my mind made me insane. I started questioning myself about my sexuality and if I was interested in girls and if I was actually gay and living in denial. I had frequent panic attacks and I couldn't stop crying. I had continuously images of me kissing or cuddling with other girls and it was tremendous.I couldn't watch any movie with a girl as a protagonist because I was feeling like I was sexually attracted and I was having anxiety attacks. I was not able to be intimate with my boyfriend because I was scared about the possible images I had coming in my mind and I didn't want to be intimate with myself. I was always analyzing my past to see if I ever liked a girl without knowing it.

I started going to a therapist and at the beginning it really helped. I managed to have a sexual encounter with my boyfriend without being scared and I have been able to be back to be intimate with myself. I had still some problems when watching movies, but I was feeling better. I was feeling back to be myself.

Now I am back again and I feel like I am in a nightmare. I have panic attacks, I am crying and I can't stop thinking about it. I am very scared about doing everything. My images changed and it is more about having a relationship with a girl than just being sexually attracted and that scares me so much. I don't want to have a relationship with a girl, I want to be with my boyfriend!! I am not attracted to girls, but my brain keeps telling me that I don't know that. I really don't want to try it out and I don't want to touch a girl!! I have images about me coming out and my boyfriend suffering. It is horrible. I really need help. I wished to have some sort of terminal illness so that I wouldn't have to spend my life like this.I started asking myself if when I was a kid maybe there were some "markers" that would tell me if I am gay or not. For example, when I was younger I went on the internet and looked at a picture of a naked actress because i heard from a friend of mine that her boyfriend uploaded them on the internet and there was a huge scandal. I don't know if that meant that I was attracted to women's body or if I was curious about it.

I don't know if I am in denial or if I have HOCD and I keep questioning myself.

Can anyone please share their stories if they have felt like me?

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Let me help you sweetheart.......I am suffering from it from almost more than a year and believe me you are a the lowest level of torture.......now listen the thing happens is like you see a image on wall of a cat but you don't at first it's a cat now your brain starts to compare it with everything you have in your mind....and present that image as a disastrous thing......but when you see the cat you are relaxed....same thing is happening with your sexuality....now because you are not gay your brain is hosting red flags.....n your brain is comparing everything with you sexuality.....and because ocd causes fault connection in your brain your brain crash and show your negative thoughts like true thing it's sending illusion .....to you because your brain is at alert signal and it can't work properly..... you are not gay.......it's just your faulty brain signal due to hormonal and phycological imbalance darling...

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If I can recover from my hocd you can in few months because you obsession are at so.low level in front of mine

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Take medication and yoga .....relax you are not gay because I m telling you bcz I suffered from it and now recovering....