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Помоги мне


And so, I will start my story from the spring of 2020, at that time I had a relationship with a girl (I wanted a relationship, but she didn't understand what she wanted) After another failure, I decided to try to switch to another girl (who at the moment has been my girlfriend for almost 2 years), but before that I talked to her and everything was going to a relationship, but like an idiot I fell for the one who doesn't know what she wants.

My current girlfriend reluctantly accepted me, I promised her that this would not happen, that I would not exchange her, and I did, but on her part there were quite a few attempts to break up (sometimes through my stupidity, after which I did not make mistakes, and in some situations because of how I was with she acted, arguing that she was just a replacement) Against the background of these attempts to break up, as I now understand, I developed an anxiety syndrome associated with parting, but I lived with him normally, and half a year ago, after numerous conversations with my girlfriend, I completely forgot about the type of thoughts (damn, I'm going to do something wrong now and she'll leave me) SO THAT WAS JUST THE PROLOGUE OF MY STORY

About 2 months ago, my girlfriend and I quarreled against the background of my jealousy, after I went to bed, I played the words of the girl in my head

"why didn't you tell him that you were my boyfriend?" to which I replied "because I don't like" After this answer, a strong anxiety immediately began in my head, which lasted about 2 weeks, all this time I tried to check my feelings, kissed her to check how I feel, he gave gifts to check too, remembered that he sometimes lied to her, but not critically (she is categorically against watching porn) all my shoals told me that I didn't like it.

And then there is a quarrel on the phone (we live separately)

As always, I immediately went to put up with her, but in the middle of the way, thoughts after reading the sites about true love seized me and I abruptly let go (I thought so, I decided to break up, after a few hours she called me, I flew out of the house like a bullet, but as soon as I came down, immediately thoughts "well why, you weren't afraid to lose her" we talked, spent the night, in the morning she brought up the topic "maybe I called in vain, I looked into her eyes and didn't want to lie to her and we decided to break up.

After that, I walked around for a whole day even more dead, there was a complete ap, I cried from emptiness, I could not believe myself that I could do this, and towards evening I seemed to have euphoria (I had never felt this in my life), an incredible amount of strength appeared, I immediately called her, but she me rejected, I said I would wait and after a while thoughts removed all these feelings,

two days later, another feeling appeared, but also very pleasant, but she rejected me again and again after rejecting the thoughts returned, after a while, she wanted to talk and we got together, but even at that moment there were thoughts like "you're lying, you don't want it" but I learned a lesson for myself that there was no need to break up and it didn't matter at all, but he continued to drip in himself, creating even more questions and then the topic switched to "did I love at all, maybe I was just afraid to stay alone all the time" but the anxiety disappeared after the topic from "do I love" switched to "did he love"

And so I want to ask for help from those who know, is it ocd?

I just really don't want to break up, but after all these events, it's like I don't feel connected to her anymore and I don't want to torment her if it's not OCD.

I also revealed during these digs a lot of my problems stemming from childhood

Previously, it turned out to be charged with motivation, and now my hands have dropped altogether