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Could this be ROCD? Or am I just in denial..

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Hi there,

I am 36 years old and have suffered from anxiety and what I now know as intrusive thoughts since my early 20s.
Over 3 weeks ago I woke up in the middle of the night with this thought that I don’t love my partner of 2 years and shouldn’t be with him. This was a very disturbing thought as I love him very much, we just moved in together 6 months ago and we were in the middle of a wonderful Christmas break so this immediately caused a massive panic attack. And every day after followed by repeated thoughts and panic attacks. I wasn’t able to eat or sleep. The thoughts are either I don’t love him, I never have or I should be alone as I don’t know myself at all or I’m just repeating history with him (I was in a 11 year relationship that ended 4 years ago, but other than how we met being similar they are nothing the same). I follow this by checking pictures of us to remember how much fun we have or repeatedly going to look at him to see how I feel or calling my mom for reassurance. I’ve either been distant or clingy. And googling obsessively what could be wrong (this has gotten bad and how I came across this forum). I also have intense guilt that every nice thing I do or say is a lie and I should just break up with him. Which would be awful as we have a great partnership that deserves more than that. I went to my doctor and he put me on 10mg of fluoxetine for anxiety and the last 2 weeks have been really hard. Amplified anxiety that swings to depression in a moment, horrible insomnia, irritability, weight loss. I haven’t been able to concentrate on work at all or even get through a tv show. It is slowly getting better but the thoughts are still there. In all of my googling I came across ROCD and I’m wondering if this is what it could be.. or am I just hanging onto something? It doesn’t make sense, I want to be with this person and make a life with him. But if this feeling doesn’t go away I don’t know how I can. Every time I feel good or happy I think about that and get anxiety about getting anxiety.
I talked to my therapist about if she thought I could have OCD but she just told me to stop googling. But the googling makes me feel better so it’s tough to stop. I’m starting to just feel nothing and not even know who I am anymore or what I want. This has been the scariest and most confusing month and I would love some guidance.

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hi, you DEFINITELY HAVE OCD

this is all ocd

please go on YouTube and learn ERP and start doing it immediately. 

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also, you need a therapist who is trained in ERP. you need a therapist who does OCD specific treatment. talk therapy doesn't work. its called ERP. stop engaging your thoughts immediately, that's the first step. any time your mind wants to figure out why you feel a certain way for your spouse you need to dismiss the thought. its not real, its ocd. trust me on this. Your post could have been written by me. 

If you cant switch therapists look up NOCD or just do a ton of research and learn ERP. please do it immediately, it will change your life. you don't need to be sitting miserably and fearing your life like this.  a month ago I was you, I contemplated suicide. then I found out I had ocd. 

trust me! trust me. 

Sophia has reacted to this post.
Sophia
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Thank you so much for this response. I will start on ERP. I have already decided that I will tell my therapist tonight that I will probably find someone new. 
I keep second guessing myself and wondering if I really just want to be alone. Or if I’m just clinging to this idea and to him out of fear. But it makes no sense. I love him. Everything was good. And it makes me so sad because he is so good to me. I did tell him I had doubts a couple times when this first started but luckily came across these forums and read that was a compulsion and to stop so I haven’t done it since. But the guilt is crippling. I would love to tell him this is what is happening but I don’t think he would buy it unless I got an actual diagnoses. 

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I know exactly how you feel. When you come to understand ocd and the ocd cycle it will be like a revelation. However it has latched onto your partner so it is going to take a lot of scary work to overcome this. It has nothing to do with your spouse. Ocd just latches into any thought that scares you. I know it’s not making sense right now and all you want to do is check to see if you love your spouse, i am going through the same thing, but I know better now. And the fact that you’re here means you love him and want to heal so you can be with him. Ocd is a sickness and a bully. It convinces you of the worst things imaginable. But it’s all ocd, it’s not real. I don’t know how else to explain it. 
I am still struggling too as I had a lapse this week due to added stress from school. But I know with erp I can overcome this, I’ve seen the light. You can too! Please keep me posted on your progress if possible on here! 

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Thank you so much. This is definitely all very scary and confusing. My therapist seems open to exposure therapy so I will give her one more session. There are long wait lists for all of the ocd specialists in my area and NOCD isn’t offered here as I’m in Canada. But I decided to book an appointment with Ali Greymond just to see if she can help me get started on ERP. I talk to her today.

I really hope you are starting to feel better. I will keep you posted.

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Ah Yea, NOCD needs to branch out. Hopefully Ali can get you situated. OCD therapists will say their only job is to teach you the skill set you need to do erp on your own so don’t fret too much. I know a British ocd specialist has mentioned Better Help but I’m unsure if they have ocd specialists. You can also buy yourself an ERP workbook written by an ocd specialist and work through it with a therapist so they have to follow those guidelines but I’ve heard many therapists complain on the OCD Stories about non ocd specialists dealing with the nuances wrong bc ocd is so personal and yet soooooooo repetitive! 

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Also wait lists have been growing bc of Covid and lockdown. People are stuck with their heads all day and no one, ocd or not, should be taking the doo-doo their brain farts out seriously. Maybe in the meantime try to get outside of your head and find something you can focus on while still allowing those thoughts to be a bad song on repeat in the background? You can’t make them go away but you can remind them of how seriously you’re going to take them. Brain farts. We get like 70,000 thoughts a day and tons of them are effed up. Just like clouds go by in the sky all day, you’ve just picked one out to scream and yell at. Not your fault! That’s ocd. But it’s also just brain farts. It’s debilitating to go through but recovery is very achievable and after you’ll have better skills than the general population when it comes to playing around with the doo-doo from brain farts. Best wishes!

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OP, that's great about booking with Ali, how did it go??

As for ocd treatment, you truly just need to learn how to do ERP. it involves naming your triggers, obsessive thoughts, and compulsions, and dealing with them head on through ERP. You can see results within weeks, and its kind of a skill that you have to keep working at to get right. But once you learn it, you can use it the rest of your life. 

I also use an ROCD app that helps with positive self talk, its called GGTude ROCD. Try it in addition to the ERP. it helps you think more positively. but it is not a replacement for ERP. ERP is the only thing that works for OCD.