Quote from irisdmnt on April 4, 2021, 10:23 pm
I don't really know how to start this, it's the first time I've written in an OCD forum although I've read a lot of them.
I hope that someone here has or is going through the same situation as me and we can help each other and hopefully not make it too long for you readers.
I am a 22 year old girl diagnosed with OCD, generalised anxiety, hypochondriac and used to have agoraphobia.
I have overcome many obsessions from my OCD but there is one that is winning me over, an irrational fear of having schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, a psychotic break, dementia etc.
I am in both psychological and psychiatric treatment and probably what I am doing by coming to this forum is looking for that reassuring reassurance, because it doesn't even help me anymore that my psychiatrist tells me that I don't have schizophrenia, nor that I will never have it, nor does my psychologist.
My psychiatrist defines me as a sick person without illness, referring to schizophrenia and she is right, I really believe her when she tells me that, but what I don't believe so much is that I don't have schizophrenia, or that I will never have it, and that's why I'm here hahahaha.
And now comes my problem, as I said I am a hypochondriac person so when my harm OCD was diagnosed I kept googling or reading articles about schizophrenia and psychotic outbreaks, it was like a human encyclopedia, I was looking for information, as much as I could, so my intrusive thoughts went from: what if I hurt someone? or take that knife and kill your mother to: they are watching you/ they are spying on you/ the government is spying on you/ aliens are watching you. So that's what happened with my intrusive thoughts, I would check everything over and over again to see if I was able to believe such things and at first I was able to control it, but there is one thing I have learned the hard way, you can't control your thoughts by checking, because what used to help you lower the level of anxiety and panic that those thoughts gave you, is now useless. So my anxiety and my OCD decided that since I wasn't so anxious about my thoughts anymore then it would make me feel like I believed my thoughts and indeed for a few moments I believed them and that's where it fucked me up.
Sorry for being such a pain in the ass, I'll finish and explain why I'm here.
It was one morning and I woke up and well I really wanted to watch a TV series, nothing strange, not even that I had a thought of oh! I want to watch this series, nothing like that, just the feeling, so far so normal, but when I put the series on Netflix and started to watch it my head told me: that's what they want you to believe. First of all, what the fuck? I knew what my head was referring to with that thought, and the first thing I thought was, fuck, I'm crazy. That thought, which has been tormenting me for almost a week until I decided to tell it here, was referring to me wanting to watch a TV series as a distraction, that's why my mind told me: that's what they want you to believe, as if that feeling of me wanting to watch something on TV or wanting to do something I liked was all false, it was all a lie, like for example if i love japanese food is false. Everything I like, everything I want to do is false, they are only sensations or tastes implanted in my brain so that I am distracted from a conspiracy or what the hell do I know, because I do not understand my mind at all. But now I'm scared and everytime I want to do something that I like or feel like doing something, I'm already checking to see if I believe it's a feeling that they have put in my head so that way i can be controlled and my mind telling me that intrusive thought was a way to wake me up, like my mind or my ocd is telling me that this intrusive thought is the reality and that i have to "wake up" because somebody is controlling me or what the fuck i should know, i hope you guys will be able to understand what I just wrote, because the truth is that sometimes I don't even understand it myself, my head is like a movie, but a bad one xddd