Quote from Guest on February 2, 2021, 9:01 am
Because you are still reassurance seeking and definitely ruminating. You probably have other compulsions you are doing as well in response to your spikes that are maintaining your fears. Rumination is just problem solving btw. It can be as simple as what you want for lunch or as complex as the meaning of your left hand. Nothing said here can convince you well enough or for long enough that your fear is not legitimate. Reassurance seeking and rumination, paradoxically, only increase uncertainty and doubt. They strengthen the grip that ocd has on you. You need to learn, as a skill, how to stop trying to answer this question rather than trying to make it go away.
I highly suggest you reach out to an ocd specialist and start recovery work. NOCD if you are in the US, Better Help if not. Ali sees patients at a similar price. Ocd is particularly rampant right now so you may have to be wait listed if you prefer to see someone locally. But it needs to be made clear by an ocd specialist and not other people who hate having ocd that recovery is not getting rid of the thoughts. Not at all. It is learning how to allow the thoughts, urges, images, sensations, feelings, emotions or any other intrusive thing be there and not respond to it. That the anxiety either goes away on its own or that you can live through uncertainty. Recovery is to make the problem so insignificant that you needn’t offer up any kind of response when it presents itself to you. That you are able to live by your personal values regardless of your thoughts or the emotions they bring. This is a skill. It must be learned, practiced, and maintained. It is achieved only by ERP though habituation (where it becomes background noise to the point you are unaware of it being there) or acceptance of uncertainty (that the problem doesn’t have to be solved). ERP is also often combined with CBT (correcting common thinking errors), ACT (accept and commitment therapy (uncertainty), and mindfulness (meditation). All things that are taught by professionals and that have shown to be especially useful for things like HOCD and pure O. Those that partake in mental compulsions. And they are not things one should try to learn alone.
No one here knows for sure if you are gay or not. We don’t know you. Nothing you say can tell us enough about you for us to know with 100% certainty that you never were, aren’t becoming or have become, and never will be gay or act in a manner in which you find uncharacteristic of who you thought you were. No one can say that the specifics of your thoughts or experiences 100% matched theirs and so thusly it must “just be ocd.” You can’t think deeply enough to figure it out for yourself either or you wouldn’t be here right now. That’s never worked for anyone with ocd. The only thing anyone can say with absolute certainty is that if you do have OCD and you don’t start practicing response prevention (ERP) and be committed to it no matter how real it feels you will never get better and your fears will only be maintained or worsened by your desperate need to solve this problem. I know this isn’t what you wanted hear but I hope it helps regardless.