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Thought: My partner is not beautiful

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I don’t know if anyone here is having this same specific very weird thought. That when you look sometimes at your partner or at a picture of him, it says he is not that beautiful, Therefore I can’t be with someone ugly ! (And like ... in the real life when you are with him you find him very handsome and attractive) but well... he is not the most handsome in the world but I love him and I find him handsome, but sometimes I have this thought poping up probably because what attracted me first about him was his personalitu and not physical. I remember the first time I sow him I thought, oh he is so tall wow let’s look at his face and saying ... oh he is not handsome. And then being impressed by his personality until one day I was like omg he is handsome ! And then I was so into him ect... until OCD hits me so sooo hardly.
it comes and goes, when I choose to not listen to the thoughts and reassure myslef ect ... it comes for like weeks to 1 month or two and then comes again with new or old thoughts that I thought were solved !

i love my partner, he is the perfect one for me, I wan to marry him and I feel like I can’t be happy because of this OCD. 

how can anybody that is in love with someone thinks he is ugly when he was attracted to him at the begining ?!! How can that be...

and of course there are million of other thoughts like cheating, or what if he is not the one, or what if he is not intelligent enough or what if he has an STI or whatever miserable thought that hurts me so deeply. But this one is killing me because beauty is important maybe to me ... 

I am really confused and afraid that if I recover, I will find myself still seeing him not as handsome as I would like him to be or something like this and discover that I was juste reassuring myself and saying it was OCD when it is not. Because like ... I am feeling that I really think this is true like I truely thik he is not that handsome. It is a fact so it is not OCD right ?! But I love him! Maybe I should be with someone more handsome to be confident that I love someone ?! I think I will loose my mind guys ... 

I am tired.

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 It's common problem for a ROCD because you keep observing him every day and you keep thinking it over and over and you find a problem where there isn't. Make a list to what you love about your partner or you can write him a letter with what you love about him or why you are happy with him. 

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Quote from Guest on December 29, 2020, 7:13 pm

I don’t know if anyone here is having this same specific very weird thought. That when you look sometimes at your partner or at a picture of him, it says he is not that beautiful, Therefore I can’t be with someone ugly ! (And like ... in the real life when you are with him you find him very handsome and attractive) but well... he is not the most handsome in the world but I love him and I find him handsome, but sometimes I have this thought poping up probably because what attracted me first about him was his personalitu and not physical. I remember the first time I sow him I thought, oh he is so tall wow let’s look at his face and saying ... oh he is not handsome. And then being impressed by his personality until one day I was like omg he is handsome ! And then I was so into him ect... until OCD hits me so sooo hardly.
it comes and goes, when I choose to not listen to the thoughts and reassure myslef ect ... it comes for like weeks to 1 month or two and then comes again with new or old thoughts that I thought were solved !

i love my partner, he is the perfect one for me, I wan to marry him and I feel like I can’t be happy because of this OCD.

how can anybody that is in love with someone thinks he is ugly when he was attracted to him at the begining ?!! How can that be...

and of course there are million of other thoughts like cheating, or what if he is not the one, or what if he is not intelligent enough or what if he has an STI or whatever miserable thought that hurts me so deeply. But this one is killing me because beauty is important maybe to me ...

I am really confused and afraid that if I recover, I will find myself still seeing him not as handsome as I would like him to be or something like this and discover that I was juste reassuring myself and saying it was OCD when it is not. Because like ... I am feeling that I really think this is true like I truely thik he is not that handsome. It is a fact so it is not OCD right ?! But I love him! Maybe I should be with someone more handsome to be confident that I love someone ?! I think I will loose my mind guys ...

I am tired.

Good morning, this is a very common ROCD theme. I have also been going through this for the past 6 months and it has been a very hard theme for me to deal with. I have been married to my wife for 11 years. Everything had been perfect (as good as it gets in my opinion). I have had OCD for most of my life like most of us do. This summer my OCD morphed into Harm-OCD and then soon after ROCD. It first started with what if I don't love my partner enough, and then quickly moved onto what if I have fallen out of love with my wife and don't find her attractive anymore and want to cheat.

This is called a cognitive distortion. It's basically an irrational belief. The good thing is since we made up the irrational belief, we can also change it. Ruminations are what keeps this all going. Ruminating is a compulsion and needs to be cut out. You can't control the first thought, but you can control what you decide to replay.

You have to remember a few things.

1- Attraction doesn't really matter, that's where we're always told to make sure you like your partner as well. Looks fade, and to are not always going to be attracted to your partner. If you leave your current partner, you will have the same issues with your new partner eventually.

2- Love is a choice, just like happiness is a choice. Love is not a feeling, but an action. It's something that we get to choose to do. Yes, sometimes love produces feelings, but its not a feeling. If you want to love someone act loving towards them (not compulsively).

3- Always base your choices and actions based on your values. Don't listen to OCD. That is what it wants. Choose based off your values.

4- Stop any dialog with these thoughts. Just say, yeah, maybe, maybe not. Maybe I don't find my partner attractive anymore, maybe I do.. can't know for sure, or agree with the thought with humor... okay OCD, I don't think my partner is attractive anymore.. whatever you say and laugh. OCD is like a bully. The more that you care, the worse it picks on you. Just say, thanks but no thanks. Stop engaging and trying to figure any of it out. OCD is a  impulsive liar. You can't answer questions that are fake to begin with.

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Has this been an ongoing thing with your ROCD? 
are you on any antidepressants?

just want to know, because I think I have partner focused ROCD and I feel very alone.

most of the time I think I don’t have ROCD. The psychiatrist has told me I have OCD. I somehow refuse to believe it.

Quote
Quote from Guest on February 25, 2021, 10:44 am

Has this been an ongoing thing with your ROCD? 
are you on any antidepressants?

just want to know, because I think I have partner focused ROCD and I feel very alone.

most of the time I think I don’t have ROCD. The psychiatrist has told me I have OCD. I somehow refuse to believe it.

hey, 

it's normal for us who suffer from ocd just believe we don't, it is actually the very first signal of anxiety/ocd: what if this is not ocd/anxiety and just me denying it? 

trust me, I also have that thought. we all have (what a coincidence, right?) 

it's normal just do the same thing you do with the other thoughts and disregard it ? 

Quote
Quote from Guest on January 4, 2021, 9:53 am
Quote from Guest on December 29, 2020, 7:13 pm

I don’t know if anyone here is having this same specific very weird thought. That when you look sometimes at your partner or at a picture of him, it says he is not that beautiful, Therefore I can’t be with someone ugly ! (And like ... in the real life when you are with him you find him very handsome and attractive) but well... he is not the most handsome in the world but I love him and I find him handsome, but sometimes I have this thought poping up probably because what attracted me first about him was his personalitu and not physical. I remember the first time I sow him I thought, oh he is so tall wow let’s look at his face and saying ... oh he is not handsome. And then being impressed by his personality until one day I was like omg he is handsome ! And then I was so into him ect... until OCD hits me so sooo hardly.
it comes and goes, when I choose to not listen to the thoughts and reassure myslef ect ... it comes for like weeks to 1 month or two and then comes again with new or old thoughts that I thought were solved !

i love my partner, he is the perfect one for me, I wan to marry him and I feel like I can’t be happy because of this OCD.

how can anybody that is in love with someone thinks he is ugly when he was attracted to him at the begining ?!! How can that be...

and of course there are million of other thoughts like cheating, or what if he is not the one, or what if he is not intelligent enough or what if he has an STI or whatever miserable thought that hurts me so deeply. But this one is killing me because beauty is important maybe to me ...

I am really confused and afraid that if I recover, I will find myself still seeing him not as handsome as I would like him to be or something like this and discover that I was juste reassuring myself and saying it was OCD when it is not. Because like ... I am feeling that I really think this is true like I truely thik he is not that handsome. It is a fact so it is not OCD right ?! But I love him! Maybe I should be with someone more handsome to be confident that I love someone ?! I think I will loose my mind guys ...

I am tired.

Good morning, this is a very common ROCD theme. I have also been going through this for the past 6 months and it has been a very hard theme for me to deal with. I have been married to my wife for 11 years. Everything had been perfect (as good as it gets in my opinion). I have had OCD for most of my life like most of us do. This summer my OCD morphed into Harm-OCD and then soon after ROCD. It first started with what if I don't love my partner enough, and then quickly moved onto what if I have fallen out of love with my wife and don't find her attractive anymore and want to cheat.

This is called a cognitive distortion. It's basically an irrational belief. The good thing is since we made up the irrational belief, we can also change it. Ruminations are what keeps this all going. Ruminating is a compulsion and needs to be cut out. You can't control the first thought, but you can control what you decide to replay.

You have to remember a few things.

1- Attraction doesn't really matter, that's where we're always told to make sure you like your partner as well. Looks fade, and to are not always going to be attracted to your partner. If you leave your current partner, you will have the same issues with your new partner eventually.

2- Love is a choice, just like happiness is a choice. Love is not a feeling, but an action. It's something that we get to choose to do. Yes, sometimes love produces feelings, but its not a feeling. If you want to love someone act loving towards them (not compulsively).

3- Always base your choices and actions based on your values. Don't listen to OCD. That is what it wants. Choose based off your values.

4- Stop any dialog with these thoughts. Just say, yeah, maybe, maybe not. Maybe I don't find my partner attractive anymore, maybe I do.. can't know for sure, or agree with the thought with humor... okay OCD, I don't think my partner is attractive anymore.. whatever you say and laugh. OCD is like a bully. The more that you care, the worse it picks on you. Just say, thanks but no thanks. Stop engaging and trying to figure any of it out. OCD is a  impulsive liar. You can't answer questions that are fake to begin with.

yeah!!! that's it, love can actually have feelings of course but is its MAJORITY it's a choice of being, trusting, caring, love the same person over and over again despite all duferences, that's what love is! loved it! I'm still struggling too but I remember that everytime because it is actually true, people think that in a relationship it's urgent tohave passion all the time, butteflies, fireworks, always thinking our partner is awesome and beautiful and it's not, a true relationship has its ups and downs and true love shows itself when we as a couple overcome that, that is love: choice, hope you're doing well :)

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Sometimes I find my partner handsome and sometimes I don’t. I feel good with him even when he is in the “ not attractive “ phase in my head. Also some days I think I look more attractive than other days. There isn’t  big book of truth that describes what is handsome or pretty. The beauty is in the eyes of beholder! When you don’t find him handsome do you still feel like spending time with him and do you enjoy him? Would you be ok releasing him to a girl that would find him handsome? Something tells me that you are not the only one that found him attractive and if you were not together he would find that person, not staying lonely for the rest of his life. Ocd is tricking you into feeling bad about something that isn’t bad. And you know for sure it’s ocd when you are “ thinking into the future “. What if in the future I will find him unattractive....”. Thinking in future is anxiety, in the past its a depression. Ocd is an anxiety disorder. If you enjoy your partner do so despite the ocd... maybe close your eyes and feel your love to him and then try to imagine giving him to someone who would find him attractive all the time because that person wouldn’t suffer from ocd. :)

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Quote from Guest on December 29, 2020, 7:13 pm

I don’t know if anyone here is having this same specific very weird thought. That when you look sometimes at your partner or at a picture of him, it says he is not that beautiful, Therefore I can’t be with someone ugly ! (And like ... in the real life when you are with him you find him very handsome and attractive) but well... he is not the most handsome in the world but I love him and I find him handsome, but sometimes I have this thought poping up probably because what attracted me first about him was his personalitu and not physical. I remember the first time I sow him I thought, oh he is so tall wow let’s look at his face and saying ... oh he is not handsome. And then being impressed by his personality until one day I was like omg he is handsome ! And then I was so into him ect... until OCD hits me so sooo hardly.
it comes and goes, when I choose to not listen to the thoughts and reassure myslef ect ... it comes for like weeks to 1 month or two and then comes again with new or old thoughts that I thought were solved !

i love my partner, he is the perfect one for me, I wan to marry him and I feel like I can’t be happy because of this OCD. 

how can anybody that is in love with someone thinks he is ugly when he was attracted to him at the begining ?!! How can that be...

and of course there are million of other thoughts like cheating, or what if he is not the one, or what if he is not intelligent enough or what if he has an STI or whatever miserable thought that hurts me so deeply. But this one is killing me because beauty is important maybe to me ... 

I am really confused and afraid that if I recover, I will find myself still seeing him not as handsome as I would like him to be or something like this and discover that I was juste reassuring myself and saying it was OCD when it is not. Because like ... I am feeling that I really think this is true like I truely thik he is not that handsome. It is a fact so it is not OCD right ?! But I love him! Maybe I should be with someone more handsome to be confident that I love someone ?! I think I will loose my mind guys ... 

I am tired.

hey, can i contact you somehow? Maybe email or messenger? I would like to ask you a couple of questions. i'm 18 and i have rocd, i want to get some advice from people who overcame it

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hello how are you doing?

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Anonymous185408
I'm so scared I lose control and start saying the thoughts out loud
Anonymous185385
I continue to try to convince myself with stupid arguments like oh but it’s because he looked pale with this darker skintone but look there is is man who has black haïr and a darker skin tone and you think he is really attractive
Anonymous185384
Hello please can someone help me my OCD is kil long me right now with the thoughts and the guilt about race , is thinking someone is better with a light et soin tone (i compared two pictures) making me a racist ? I try to convince myself that i’m not racist cause a lot of the Times i prefer people with darker skin tones but my mind is telling me that every black people would think i’m racist
Anonymous182930
Anonymous185174
Hello everyone, I had the shock of my life yesterday when I did a exposure. At the most horrible time it could've been I got In a really weird stage of arrousal (times 10). Idk what to do, I cant explain why, i didnt want it. Am I mixing up extreme anxiety with arrousal? I read it could be a groinal response but it felt extreme. Please help, Im convinced this isnt ocd
Honestly non of us think it's ocd. I have felt the same as you for a while and I can see myself believing it's ocd more and more
Anonymous185190
Anyone with Existential OCD?
Anonymous185187
Hi, can someone give me CBT advice on contamination OCD? I don’t understand how to view germs and I feel very guilty if a drop of bodily waste gets anywhere other than the toilet. I can find nothing online other than people saying “just don’t do compulsions.” This isn’t helpful I need someone to change my thinking. Thank you!
Anonymous185174
Hello everyone, I had the shock of my life yesterday when I did a exposure. At the most horrible time it could've been I got In a really weird stage of arrousal (times 10). Idk what to do, I cant explain why, i didnt want it. Am I mixing up extreme anxiety with arrousal? I read it could be a groinal response but it felt extreme. Please help, Im convinced this isnt ocd
Anonymous183705
Anonymous185029
Accept the thought and move on to another task as if it was no big deal.
She also mentioned in one of her podcasts to use an aggressive reaction, like agree with the thought but in a sarcastic way. I have been doing that and then just letting the thought be there how ever long it wants. It was in her 3 ways to react to a thought episode.
Anonymous185103
Can lack of sleep make you more susceptible to developing more sinister themes
Anonymous185029
Anonymous183705
When Ali says to disregard and say something like, "I don't believe that thought, it's an OCD symptom." Should I actually say it to myself in my head or should I simply ignore the thought all together and not say anything? What is the best approach? I also want to thank Ali for what she does and all her help!!
Accept the thought and move on to another task as if it was no big deal.
Anonymous184902
Has anyone noticed that it says 12am on the tracker instead of 12 pm. Driving me bonkers!
Anonymous183705
When Ali says to disregard and say something like, "I don't believe that thought, it's an OCD symptom." Should I actually say it to myself in my head or should I simply ignore the thought all together and not say anything? What is the best approach? I also want to thank Ali for what she does and all her help!!
Anonymous184687
I hardly have any anxiety, but my attraction to the opposite s*x hasn't returned liked it once was, also I notice same s*x all the time, with no anxiety?
Anonymous184506
Hi! I don't trust ERP. Especially with HOCD.
Anonymous184429
I'm scared I keep getting memories and it doesn't feel like pocd anymore
Anonymous183856
Anonymous184299
What if same thought or memory just constantly latches onto your mind? You ignore it but this is the first thing that you remember when you wake up and last thing you think before you go to bed. It's pointless and a closed chaper but still even after disregarding it just never goes away. Any advice?
I can absolutely relate. I think it is the uncertainty, why it is so hard to let a thought go. That’s why it is so important for us, or everyone, to life with the uncertainty.
Anonymous184299
What if same thought or memory just constantly latches onto your mind? You ignore it but this is the first thing that you remember when you wake up and last thing you think before you go to bed. It's pointless and a closed chaper but still even after disregarding it just never goes away. Any advice?
Anonymous184291
It's so hard to remove rumination about my compulsions from the back of my mind. I think this became a problem because I feel stuck in life. I don't have a lot going for me and thanks to these compulsions I'm afraid to step out of my comfort zone
Anonymous184080
Ocd is ruining my life
Anonymous184080
Anyone with car ocd
Anonymous184080
Anybody live
Anonymous183772
Anonymous183907
Hi Guys, I think I am suffering with HOCD. The entire day I keep worrying about if I am gay. I have not been able to sleep or eat past for a past few days. Everytime I step out of the house, I look all the girls and guys and analyze if I am feeling anything.
Stay strong and do erp. It is worth it!!
Anonymous183907
Hi Guys, I think I am suffering with HOCD. The entire day I keep worrying about if I am gay. I have not been able to sleep or eat past for a past few days. Everytime I step out of the house, I look all the girls and guys and analyze if I am feeling anything.
Anonymous183772
I’m having a hard time knowing that anxiety is not always a bad thing and it’s trying to protect you. Then how do I know when I disregard if I’m supposed to be scared or not. Irrational vs rational thinking is keeping me stuck
Anonymous183849
REALLY LIKE THIS WEBSITE SO MUCH; IT'S BEEN ABSOLUTELY EXCELLENT TO ME RECENTLY, AND I'M SIMPLY WAITING FOR MORE. https://thegenuineleather.com/category/aviator-jacket/”>Aviator Shearling Jacket
Anonymous183760
Does anyone know if Ali takes any insurance for her services or is only pay per visit?
Anonymous183820
My biggest compulsion is researching on google/youtube on a daily basis. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to stop?
Flaaffy
Seamstress
It's not the feeling bad that is my biggest concern, it is learning how to not react so quickly to the high anxiety.
I think I know what you mean. I have physical compulsions that I sometimes perform unconsciously. Even just slight anxiety can see me perform them, so it has become a frustrating habit that's difficult to break. I haven’t any helpful advice; I just try to discontinue the compulsion as soon as I’ve noticed.
Flaaffy
Anonymous183772
My ocd was gone and now it’s back in full force. How do I stop having relapsed after I have fully recovered?
As for how to prevent future relapses, I think one of the most important things you can do is to learn to trust yourself. When we’re afraid of ourselves or the unknown, OCD takes control in an unhelpful attempt to protect us and our values. If you can come to trust yourself, OCD won’t have as much room, if any, in your life.
Flaaffy
Anonymous183772
My ocd was gone and now it’s back in full force. How do I stop having relapsed after I have fully recovered?
I think that the first step is to forgive yourself for relapsing. Then, pick back up the tools that helped you overcome it the first time. I’m guessing that OCD has found a new theme or angle through which to get you to engage with it. The theme might be new, but the OCD is the same old OCD---it still needs your emotional reactions and rumination to fuel it. Do your best to disregard it.
Flaaffy
Anonymous183759
Hey guys. I struggle with OCD & along with that comes daily depersonalization. Does anyone have any tips on disregarding the DP? It's been going on for years now.
I haven’t too much experience with depersonalization, but I recall that Ali’s method is to recognize it as a perception created by OCD. Do your best to not ruminate on it. Avoid reacting to the sensation with fear. You have to treat it like you would an OCD thought. I’m sorry I can’t be of more help. Ali has more videos on YouTube about the subject, if you're interested.
Anonymous183778
im new here
Anonymous183772
Anonymous183760
How long did it take for you to recover to begin with?
About a year
Anonymous183760
Anonymous183772
My ocd was gone and now it’s back in full force. How do I stop having relapsed after I have fully recovered?
How long did it take for you to recover to begin with?
Anonymous183772
My ocd was gone and now it’s back in full force. How do I stop having relapsed after I have fully recovered?
Anonymous183760
Anonymous183766
How do I know this is ocd I have been struggling with this them of ocd hocd it sucks
I use to deal with HOCD. Best way I found to face it was go along with the thoughts "well maybe I am gay, oh well. I have other things to focus on today." Or "I've had this thought so many times before. Just another OCD thought. Oh well."On with your day. It's hard. But helps.
Anonymous183766
How do I know this is ocd I have been struggling with this them of ocd hocd it sucks
Anonymous183759
Hey guys. I struggle with OCD & along with that comes daily depersonalization. Does anyone have any tips on disregarding the DP? It's been going on for years now.
Seamstress
Seamstress
Thanks. However, I think there are times when I do it on purpose just to reduce the high anxiety at the time. Perhaps I need to stop and take a breath and think first.
It's not the feeling bad that is my biggest concern, it is learning how to not react so quickly to the high anxiety.
Seamstress
Anonymous183681
I stopped feeling bad after realizing that its not me doing it on purpose. If I did it on purpose, i would have thought about it at that time. This kind of mindset helped me a lot.cool
Thanks. However, I think there are times when I do it on purpose just to reduce the high anxiety at the time. Perhaps I need to stop and take a breath and think first.
Anonymous183681
Seamstress
One thing I struggle with is doing certain compulsions automatically without even thinking about them and then I feel bad after. Just like something comes over me without even having time to think. Any suggestions????
I stopped feeling bad after realizing that its not me doing it on purpose. If I did it on purpose, i would have thought about it at that time. This kind of mindset helped me a lot.cool
Seamstress
One thing I struggle with is doing certain compulsions automatically without even thinking about them and then I feel bad after. Just like something comes over me without even having time to think. Any suggestions????
Seamstress
Anonymous183681
Hello everyone. My english is not the best but I try. Sometimes, when I'm not bothered by my OCD, it can come to my mind after a while, that I haven't thought about it today. After realizing that, I tend to question myself. I wonder, why im not asking myself the usual questions. Almost as if im scared to be "normal" and shocked about the fact, that I don't have intrusive thoughts.
I think it takes a little while for our brains to adjust to different thinking. We are used to being anxious and "on guard" all the time.
Anonymous183681
Hello everyone. My english is not the best but I try. Sometimes, when I'm not bothered by my OCD, it can come to my mind after a while, that I haven't thought about it today. After realizing that, I tend to question myself. I wonder, why im not asking myself the usual questions. Almost as if im scared to be "normal" and shocked about the fact, that I don't have intrusive thoughts.
Anonymous183678
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Seamstress
Anonymous183630
@Seamstress: Did you take the program with ally or any of her coaches?
Did have some coaching with Ali sev. years ago, but mainly recovering on own with listening to videos. Been a long time recovering with many unfortunate detours but on track now with more understanding of how things work.
Anonymous183630
Seamstress
Would like to see more people on here who would like to encourage others and also be encouraged to complete recovery as well as be accountable to one another on a regular basis. Are there interested people??? Perhaps people who would check in on a daily basis.
I plan to give back but need to know how and finding recovery will be a huge part of that.
Anonymous183630
@Seamstress: Did you take the program with ally or any of her coaches?

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