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OCD Chat (You must be logged in below to use the chat.) 
User2525 It feels loneöy with a theme that nobody else has sometimes i wish i would have a more common theme
User2525 Please somebody answer
User2525 My recovery would be so much eaaier
User2525 Please
User2525 Im so sorry for spam
User2525 I wont put a message for a while just please help im actively doing erp but theres this one question that i haven't got answered
User2525 Actually nevermind that might be reassuranse
Amando
User2525
Actually nevermind that might be reassuranse
Yeah man keep doing erp
User2525 You can just casually check it out but not give reassurase i think it would be okay if people were more aware of absurd themes
User2525
Amando
Yeah man keep doing erp
Because yes
User2525 I justhad a bad daywith erp
User2525 At öeast i realised it now ps oh im filling the chat again sorry
Amando
User2525
At öeast i realised it now ps oh im filling the chat again sorry
No that's fine man i understand you
Amando Did you read my post?
Amando Do you think mine also is ocd?
User2525 Wait one sec i'll read it
User2525 Hmm i get that i once had slight real event ocd (i've had many themes) at least it's more common than mine just do erp no matter what
User2525 Could you read the post about my avsurd theme don't give reassurance just give me a honest opinion and tell me whta you think
User2525 About it
User2525 Abd i absolutely think your theme is ocd
User2525 *and
Jessica How much today
Jessica How much your daily now
Jessica U happy together all day none stop
Jessica Hola
Powerful
needyou
In my day.. But I do them with the feeling of sadness. I feel sad when I have thoughts in the background of my mind.. This is the difficult part of recovery
Oh, totally, the sadness or fear was always in the background for me. But now I am so so much better. you are doing well if you are keeping yourself busy. The sadness will pass, believe me. Just keeping going! Track your rumination. It worked for me, it will work for you, don't give up
Amando
User2525
Could you read the post about my avsurd theme don't give reassurance just give me a honest opinion and tell me whta you think
Where is your post?
Bec1990
Powerful
Oh, totally, the sadness or fear was always in the background for me. But now I am so so much better. you are doing well if you are keeping yourself busy. The sadness will pass, believe me. Just keeping going! Track your rumination. It worked for me, it will work for you, don't give up
Hi all
Kevin Le
Bec1990
Hi all
how did u track ur rumination and im getting better but i sometimes feel like i dont wanna get better it hurts but im making slow progress im becoming an ea and im worried im not set for the job. - 7787754018 fongo
User2525 There is my post
User2525 My theme
User2525 Please somebody reply there
User2525 I have never got an ansver from somebody that knows about ocd
User2525 Sorry for filling the chat again i can wait for an answer i just calmed down but the answer would still be very good
Amando
User2525
Sorry for filling the chat again i can wait for an answer i just calmed down but the answer would still be very good
I've read your post looks like rumination. I was also like you was afraid to delete something very important.
User2525 Oh really 😮
User2525 Thank you Thank you
User2525 Im not the only one
User2525 One question anymore
User2525 Im not supposted to delete it right?
Powerful
User2525
Im not the only one
Just replied to your post, hope you'll do the work and get better soon
User2525 Oh
User2525 I will read it right away
Powerful
User2525
Im not supposted to delete it right?
You soppose not to take any decisions and work on getting better
Powerful
User2525
Im not supposted to delete it right?
My OCD was saying I have to brake up with my partner. Was very scary. I decided not to take any decisions and work on beating the OCD. Now I am in a good place and that thought seems silly
User2525 Thank you i git stuck for a month because of this but no longer i will let myself get stuck and i will say no to anymore questions so i don't get stuck again i won't give up
User2525 I will continue tracking more carefully after 1 week i will tell about progress
Powerful
User2525
Thank you i git stuck for a month because of this but no longer i will let myself get stuck and i will say no to anymore questions so i don't get stuck again i won't give up
We all get setbacks! It is totally normal, part of the process. But remember you have tools that help and that you are going to get better. In the low moments it is hard to see, but we just need to push through it

"What if this isn't ocd/hocd"

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Hello, if you can give me any advice or help below it would mean the world to me. Thank you. 

I've been suffering with hocd for almost 1.5 years now and I'm losing my will to live. I've always been an anxious/worrisome person but the ocd started 2 years ago over the summer when I was studying abroad. I was away from my boyfriend and under stress from my courseload and I started feeling pains in my back that I was convinced was multiple sclerosis. I went to so many doctors and they all said it was stress but I refused to believe them, I kept googling convinced I wouldn't be able to walk in a couple months, and calling my boyfriend crying that I just knew I had MS. I was also very worried that I had a brain tumor because I got a new type of headache and I really thought I needed a brain scan. Eventually my boyfriend convinced me to stop worrying about it because the doctors told me nothing was wrong, and then all of those thoughts stopped.  I should also say that I started using marijuana and cbd oil recreationally around this time to help manage my anxiety and body pains I was feeling. 

A month later, I was making dinner with my roommate and I was having a lot of fun because she wasn't usually nice to me but she was making an effort to be a better friend. I had taken a marijuana edible earlier and it was in full effect. When we were eating I got the thought "I like her" because she was being nice and I was having a good time. Even though the thought was completely platonic and wasn't related to physical attraction I immediately thought "what if I'm gay" and got the worst panic I ever had in my life. In that one second everything became hell and I instantly ran to my room and looked at a picture of me and my boyfriend. I was supposed to go to a party at his apartment so I decided to leave early but my roommate wanted to come with me and when she got ready she asked me if her top was too low cut and I felt physically sick with panic. I told my boyfriend what happened and that I was scared that I might be gay. He said I was being silly and that the edible was probably too strong and was adding to the panic and that it would pass. Unfortunately when I woke up in the morning that high anxiety didn't go away and that was the start of this living hell. 

Obviously I didn't know what hocd was so I was incredibly confused and was scared that I was turning myself gay. All I knew was that the thought of it made me want to die. I was so scared I'd lose my boyfriend and I honestly felt like the world wasn't real anymore and that I was in some kind of nightmare. I was constantly checking if I was gay; just looking at a female would make me think I must be gay (even if it was a 60 year old unattractive woman). I would also get these automatic thoughts of "I want to kiss her" if I looked at a girl in public and it would make me panic, it genuinely felt like I wasn't even forming these thoughts myself but they were being sent out by an automatic program or something. I was also worrying what if I don't love my boyfriend anymore and felt that I had lost attraction to him. I knew this didn't make any sense because I loved him so so much. If soulmates were real then he was definitely mine. We had been together for 3 years and we were in a strong relationship and wanted to get married one day. I was so worried these thoughts meant I had to date a woman now and that I would lose him. Eventually I concluded that I must be bisexual if I'm having these thoughts, but that still didn't make the thoughts any better. I still felt lost and not like myself. My boyfriend even told me that he'd be okay with me being bisexual and would still love me no matter what but I kept telling him I don't want it. It was the last thing I wanted. 

One of my close friends was bisexual so I asked her how she found out about it. She said she realized she was bisexual in middle school and that it felt good for her and she wanted to date girls. She helped me through my worries a bit and came to me one day with an article about hocd. I was on anti-depressants and xanax at the time so I told my psychologist about this and she diagnosed me with ocd (hocd to be exact). I felt a lot better because it all finally made sense. I identified with all of the hocd symptoms I read online. After this, I was okay for a little while but the ocd shifted to worrying more about losing my boyfriend because of the anxiety and hocd thoughts. Eventually the thoughts of hocd became strong again and I started to avoid my female friends. 

After a few more months, I started learning the truth about ocd and anxiety and that it was related to the fight or flight response and that my brain was just trying to protect me. I was doing a lot better and knew that I wasn't gay. I wasn't responding to the thoughts but I was still doing reassurance and some safety seeking behaviors that made me feel good and confirmed that i wasn't gay. My thoughts then started shifting to other themes. I pretty obviously had relationship ocd but later on I also got a what if thought that what if I become attracted to my brother. This one was so scary but I was able to shut it down because I realized I was scared of the thought and it wasn't that I actually was attracted to him. After researching more ocd themes online and finding out about stuff like pocd and harm ocd, I started getting very scared of thoughts relating to those themes. I would be scared that what if I lose control and  kill someone or what if I hurt my cat or what if I did something sexual to my cat. It was horrible. I was so worried that what if I'm a bad person, I don't want to be a bad person. I genuinely thought someone should come lock me up because I'm a horrible disgusting person. 

Now, the hocd thoughts are back in full force and I am worrying that what if this isn't hocd and I'm actually gay. What if I've been gay all this time but I've been in such denial that I haven't realized it. What if the love I have for my boyfriend isn't real. I should say that I never considered myself to be gay and only ever liked males and pictured myself marrying a guy someday. But the last thing that I'm really struggling with right now: I don't really watch porn now and I haven't in many years, but when I first started watching porn I would typically watch lesbian porn. I didn't think much of it at the time and I stopped after a bit because I remember worrying that it meant I was gay. I didn't think much of it after that but now I keep thinking about this fact and ruminating about it. I told my friend who is bisexual about this and she said that many straight women watch lesbian porn and that it didn't mean I was gay. But this scares me so much because it's like the ocd found some proof that I must be gay. In all these years I have never been attracted to a woman in my real life and never wanted to do anything with a woman. I even lived in the same room with that roommate I mentioned for two years and never got a thought about it before that night the ocd started.

I don't know what to do. I want these thoughts to go away so badly and all I want is to feel like myself again and be able to be with my boyfriend in peace. I'm so scared I've lost him. I feel so much guilt that he deserves better than me. My conclusion right now is that if I react badly to these thoughts and if I don't want to be with a woman then it must be ocd but when it comes down to it I just worry that these thoughts haven't gone away because I'm actually gay. I feel like I'm going crazy. 

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I know how OCD can make your life miserable. You may feel really horrible.

You need to know, that when you do ERP your anxiety will go to really high level, but it will eventually go down. Try do think about the moment in your life when you were feeling ok. And try to realize that you are gonna be in that moment again, you just have to fight. Don’t do compulsions because it will make OCD worse. Do ERP. Videos on youtube may be very helpful, try to find help there

Don’t check if you are straight. You were born like that and nothing has changed. The more you check, the worse the thoughts are getting.

You have a boyfriend. You told him about your problem. He understands it. That is very valuable, that you have somebody close to you that you can talk about your problem

While I was reading your story i realised that You did exactly the opposite thing which you should do. You were googling, asking friends, trying to reassurance yourself by looking at your pictures with your boyfriend, not looking for a woman because you felt like you are attracted to them. THESE ALL ARE just thoughts. You need to understand that your boyfriend, your relationship is something most important for you, and that is the place where OCD attacks. That means even better how much you care about your boyfriend, about your relationship.

Don’t avoid your female friends. Don’t be worried. This is all just an OCD game. I was also in that place, feeling like I am stuck in this world. Feeling hopeless. When you will try to live normally, do ordinary activities like other people do, do not ruminate, do not try to solve things out, anxiety will eventually come down.

You are straight because you were born like this and nothing is going to change it. You are in a beautiful relationship. Tell your boyfriend that this is OCD, a disorder that is connecting with the most important topics in your life. That will make him feel important for you and you will feel better too.

If you were gay you would know it for sure. You are all the time “what if’’ that means you are straight. I am 100% sure about that.

Try not to worry. Try not to do compulsions, avoiding, etc.

Be sure that the reason you care so much means you are in a very good relationship, you love your boyfriend and it is ok.