OCD Help Chat 
Anonymous178601 I think I am going to stop reading articles and the videos I have been using as exposures. I will be watching them ones in a while. That wouldn't be avoidance would it?
Seamstress
Helmut Schmacker
Afternoon chaps, how's it going today?
Better couple of days. Back to tracking - by pen and paper. I would say most times I am 80% recovered. Just this silly 20% that I seem to fall back into when I am anxious.
Anonymous178601 I want to make sure I am doing erp properly
Seamstress
Anonymous178601
I want to make sure I am doing erp properly
Perhaps you were doing too much before. Maybe reduce exposures and be successful and then go on from there increasing gradually.
Anonymous178601 Ivwas watching a few videos a day. I mean I barely have any anxiety left there are occassions I get a little bit of anxiety but not super high also the only thing that remains so far are the thoughts and thats it. Also the videos arent something I would be watching everyday if I was my old self.
Helmut Schmacker
Seamstress
Better couple of days. Back to tracking - by pen and paper. I would say most times I am 80% recovered. Just this silly 20% that I seem to fall back into when I am anxious.
Evening Seamstress. 80% recovered is a pretty good place to be, even if you can't quite see the finishing line at the moment. Give the tracking more chance to work and maybe just aim for a little improvement each day. Be the tortoise and not the hare 🐢🏁
Seamstress
Anonymous178601
Ivwas watching a few videos a day. I mean I barely have any anxiety left there are occassions I get a little bit of anxiety but not super high also the only thing that remains so far are the thoughts and thats it. Also the videos arent something I would be watching everyday if I was my old self.
Sounds like you are doing well and know what you are doing re:ERP
Anonymous179108
Helmut Schmacker
Are you the HOCD sufferer above, worried about your childhood memories?
Yes I am
Helmut Schmacker
Anonymous179108
Yes I am
OK. My opinion, for what it's worth, is that you're placing far to much importance on what seems to be some pretty insignificant childhood memories. All kids are curious about s*x and many will experiment. Keep going on with the recovery work (watch Ali's videos if you get stuck) and work on reducing the time you spend ruminating about such things. Good luck.
Anonymous179118
Helmut Schmacker
OK. My opinion, for what it's worth, is that you're placing far to much importance on what seems to be some pretty insignificant childhood memories. All kids are curious about s*x and many will experiment. Keep going on with the recovery work (watch Ali's videos if you get stuck) and work on reducing the time you spend ruminating about such things. Good luck.
Okay I understand. But how to react because I really get the feeling if once I was aroused and jerked of to dicks and sexuality can’t change then now I‘m too. How to react to that proof?
Helmut Schmacker
Anonymous179118
Okay I understand. But how to react because I really get the feeling if once I was aroused and jerked of to dicks and sexuality can’t change then now I‘m too. How to react to that proof?
These childhood experiences do not prove that you're gay. If you weren't suffering from HOCD, you would view these thoughts as irrelevant and not be troubled by them. Keep doing the recovery work (reducing compulsions and rumination) and disregard thoughts related to your theme.
Anonymous179146 Hello I have severe harm OCD… i’ve had for the past few days severe anxiety every waking moment bc i’m afraid i’m gonna kill my cats… tho i know i would never do it… I BUT… when I was younger 13-16 i would act on harmless intrusive thoughts (nothing about actual harm, just weird stuff) and my OCD keeps telling me that bc of that, i am MORE LIKELY to act on my thoughts than anyoneelse
Anonymous179146 I know im not a psychopath, and that i love my cats and dont wanna harm them ever… but i fear i will suddenly do it anyway to ”get the thought out of my head ”
Anonymous179146 Does this mean i’m dangerous for real bc i acted on harmless stuff before
Seamstress
Anonymous179146
Does this mean i’m dangerous for real bc i acted on harmless stuff before
These are just OCD tricks trying to draw you into ruminating, seeking reassurance, doing compulsions etc. Let the thoughts be there nagging in the background without fighting them and perhaps try to engage in something to re-focus your mind and thoughts. ali has many videos on harm OCD etc.
Anonymous179146
Seamstress
These are just OCD tricks trying to draw you into ruminating, seeking reassurance, doing compulsions etc. Let the thoughts be there nagging in the background without fighting them and perhaps try to engage in something to re-focus your mind and thoughts. ali has many videos on harm OCD etc.
Thanks for your answer! I am currently going through her whole playlist on harm OCD, thats how i found this forum!
Anonymous178601 Can ocd attack your memories? Or is that just me analyzing. I believe I might be having false memory during recovery I dont know if thats ocd trying to trick me.
Anonymous178601 To get me to ruminate and make reassurances
Anonymous179199 im really worried about whether or not its really pocd, i keep getting memories and stuff and its making me scared
Anonymous178601
Anonymous179199
im really worried about whether or not its really pocd, i keep getting memories and stuff and its making me scared
Look up Ali greymonds False memory ocd. If you are doing active recovery work your mind might be trying to twist things. To get you to rumminate. Or so I believe but lets wait for Seamstress to answer because I am on first stage recovery in my theme of ocd.
Anonymous178601 Does anyone else get frustrated. Is it normal I get frustrated at the thoughts because I have had enough. There are nights I am good and then there are nights where I am really frustrated.
Anonymous178601 I have just been going through a roller coster of emotions. Sometimes I am sad sometimes I am okay sometimes I feel like throwing up because of the thoughts. However I dont know if that means I am in the right track to recovery I disregard the thoughts. I barely do any compulsions unless its really bad. However its very little to non. Is this normal in recovery?
Seamstress
Anonymous178601
Look up Ali greymonds False memory ocd. If you are doing active recovery work your mind might be trying to twist things. To get you to rumminate. Or so I believe but lets wait for Seamstress to answer because I am on first stage recovery in my theme of ocd.
Remember I am no expert - just a fellow sufferer trying to help others when I can. My input would be that OCD feels very real and can attack memories. The more you focus on these thoughts the stronger they will get.
Anonymous179243
Anonymous178601
I have just been going through a roller coster of emotions. Sometimes I am sad sometimes I am okay sometimes I feel like throwing up because of the thoughts. However I dont know if that means I am in the right track to recovery I disregard the thoughts. I barely do any compulsions unless its really bad. However its very little to non. Is this normal in recovery?
Yes I'm in the same boat
Anonymous179243
Anonymous178601
Does anyone else get frustrated. Is it normal I get frustrated at the thoughts because I have had enough. There are nights I am good and then there are nights where I am really frustrated.
Me too. I get frustrated extremely easy
Anonymous179243 I'm having trouble consistently reducing rumination. It just happens it feel like. Idk if they are intrusive thoughts or rumination . Anyone have trouble telling the 2 apart
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Anonymous179251 Can someone please share some advice? I am super hyperaware of my thoughts and what I am thinking about since I’ve read about pure o OCD. I have no certain theme, but I constantly analyze my thoughts to “check” for intrusive thoughts. So much anticipation - it feels like wearing goggles and viewing the world in an intrusive mindset
Anonymous179251 I am stuck in this cycle for 3 months and it feels 24/7. Even seeing flowers evokes an intrusive thought - idk what to do or how to break out of this meta ocd obsession
Anonymous177485
Anonymous179251
I am stuck in this cycle for 3 months and it feels 24/7. Even seeing flowers evokes an intrusive thought - idk what to do or how to break out of this meta ocd obsession
Refocus is key. I been in it for 8 months
Anonymous178601 My rumminition time is more down today but I have been feeling really sad.
Anonymous178601 Is this common
Anonymous178601 I feel sad then I feel nothing then I feel sad again and so on
Anonymous178601 Also does anyones anxiety kick up when they are sleeping and wake up with a fast beating heart ready to burst?
Anonymous178601 Usually I wake up with ocd thoughts rushing through my head I try not to react to them but its hard at times especially at night. I am sure I will end up passing out here soon.
Anonymous178601 But just wanted to see if this has happened to you guys
Anonymous177485
Anonymous178601
Usually I wake up with ocd thoughts rushing through my head I try not to react to them but its hard at times especially at night. I am sure I will end up passing out here soon.
Yes
Anonymous179288 is it normal for fear to increase when trying to ignore my ocd?
Anonymous179288 and my chest has been feeling pressure since I stopped o****m, and when I go to the bathroom now too. It feels like ocd telling me to just o****m again.. Is that true? Cn I just ignore it and move on?
Anonymous179288 anyone there?
Anonymous179325 hey, is this place active?
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Anonymous178601
Anonymous179325
hey, is this place active?
From time to time
Anonymous178601 Can false memory feel real?
Anonymous179324
Anonymous178601
Can false memory feel real?
Of course, all OCD thoughts can feel real. That is what feeds the OCD - the fear of it being real. Ali has many videos on the subject. Check them out.
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Anonymous179380 and my chest has been feeling pressure since I stopped o****m, and when I go to the bathroom now too. It feels like ocd telling me to just o****m again.. Is that true? Cn I just ignore it and move on?
Anonymous178601 Why does ocd attack your memories?
Anonymous178601 I have pure o ocd and my thoughts tend to vary from memories to articles and video clips that I have read and other ocd thoughts is this common?
Anonymous178601 Also why is it so hard to not react to the thoughts sometimes. I will be doing well and then a thought that scares me a bit more comes and I react to it like saying what dumb thing is this.
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Reposting — PLEASE RESPOND

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I originally posted this before I created an account, but now I am reposting it on my new account. 

A couple of years ago, I went through a very heavy OCD-related breakdown. At the time, I was home constantly – taking school online – so I did not leave my house much and used all of that time to think pretty much.

*Let me preface this part by saying that, I am a very spiritual person and do believe in seeing “signs” from the universe or spirits. In the house I lived in prior to this, I had experiences with a haunting and it was very negative and draining for me- this is going to sound crazy, but I would use a pendulum to communicate with it whenever I felt like I needed reassurance for my OCD. When I moved a year later, I had thrown all connections to that away and tried to move on.*

Flash forward to another year of homeschool, but in the new house this time. [I was homeschooled for about 2 1/2 years due to not being able to handle going to school anymore.] I had to use my laptop for schoolwork of course, and this was at a time I was still paranoid about the spirit from my old house. Whenever I’d use it, I started to get this compulsion that I had to look for “messages” whenever I’d see a group of letters somewhere (aka, laptop). Eventually, I felt like the “messages” I was receiving started to sound too ominous regarding my OCD triggers and I took it as a reason to believe I was being told I had done something I had forgotten, and thus, needed to investigate. This didn’t just occur out of the blue and happened over a period of time where I’d “check” to see if something was telling me something.

Eventually, that morphed into me believing I was being told I had killed someone. —No voices in my head or anything like that, but basically a construction of a narrative from spiritual belief. In that year, over time, I would obsess over the news/look at cold cases/feel paranoid if a cop was behind us in the car/etc. And that turned into me having visuals added to the paranoia, along with having very very VERY strong feelings of going back to that “moment” and feeling everything you’d feel when going back to a memory. This progressed and worsened over time obviously- to the point that I felt like I was having intense flashbacks and spurts of recollection just like any memory would feel (what really boggles my mind is that I only see people with harm OCD talk about having images pop up in their mind, doubt, etc. so that sends me down another rabbit hole of worry). It genuinely concerns me that people say “but I have had no memory of this, just doubt!” when I have had moments where it definitely wasn’t just doubt (or images).

Here’s the kicker: despite feeling like I’ve had moments of realizing it’s a real memory, going back to “a” moment, feeling myself “be” there, etc — I have never once recalled any details of where I was, what exactly I was doing, what happened, or what the situation could’ve even logically looked like. And that led me down the path of worrying that I repressed a memory of harming someone.

Now, do keep in mind, I would have to have been 14 years old if this were to be a real occurrence (of me harming someone) and I was about 15-16 when I began having this false memory debacle. I say that because the only time I had harm OCD relating to murder was at 14 years old and it did heavily dissociate me, but I do not remember having any plans to go and kill someone or any desire to leave my home.

I just want to ask — has anyone had some sort of similar experience with false memories before!?? Where it feels like it takes real memory and completely fabricates a false moment? I feel so alone and lost, even almost 5 years later.

DISCLAIMER: I have received therapy for this issue, and while it has helped sometimes, I am extremely worried that he just assumes it’s like any other case — and I can’t tell if it’s not because I’ve never had anyone relate (not talking about the spiritual stuff, I am mostly speaking about the real-ness of how everything felt and how it is described). Also, no I do not have schizophrenia or anything that would cause delusions, or at least I don’t think so.

I guess what my point in posting this is — I have been on OCD forums looking for stories similar to mine (not the spiritual details or how it came to be) such as, how the “memory” feels and how my mind doesn’t even necessarily put an image next to it when I get these feelings!! I’m extremely worried (and suicidal) that I could’ve harmed someone and repressed it even though I can’t even imagine myself doing that. I want to fit into the false memory OCD label but I can’t help but feel so, so, so alone.

To make matters worse, I went on my local news website & searched cases from that time period & found a “suspicious death” which happened when I had a large gap in my Facebook activity. And it’s strange because in the months/years surrounding that, I don’t have a gap as large as that anywhere. For reference, I live in a small town so it’s hard to believe this as coincidence. My assumption is I was dissociated during those days and had an aversion to social media or something. I don’t know, I just feel like giving up.

If anybody wants to read this, please do. I’m sorry if any of this is distressing or weirds anyone out, I’m just trying to piece my life together.

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