Thought: My partner is not beautiful

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I don’t know if anyone here is having this same specific very weird thought. That when you look sometimes at your partner or at a picture of him, it says he is not that beautiful, Therefore I can’t be with someone ugly ! (And like ... in the real life when you are with him you find him very handsome and attractive) but well... he is not the most handsome in the world but I love him and I find him handsome, but sometimes I have this thought poping up probably because what attracted me first about him was his personalitu and not physical. I remember the first time I sow him I thought, oh he is so tall wow let’s look at his face and saying ... oh he is not handsome. And then being impressed by his personality until one day I was like omg he is handsome ! And then I was so into him ect... until OCD hits me so sooo hardly.
it comes and goes, when I choose to not listen to the thoughts and reassure myslef ect ... it comes for like weeks to 1 month or two and then comes again with new or old thoughts that I thought were solved !

i love my partner, he is the perfect one for me, I wan to marry him and I feel like I can’t be happy because of this OCD. 

how can anybody that is in love with someone thinks he is ugly when he was attracted to him at the begining ?!! How can that be...

and of course there are million of other thoughts like cheating, or what if he is not the one, or what if he is not intelligent enough or what if he has an STI or whatever miserable thought that hurts me so deeply. But this one is killing me because beauty is important maybe to me ... 

I am really confused and afraid that if I recover, I will find myself still seeing him not as handsome as I would like him to be or something like this and discover that I was juste reassuring myself and saying it was OCD when it is not. Because like ... I am feeling that I really think this is true like I truely thik he is not that handsome. It is a fact so it is not OCD right ?! But I love him! Maybe I should be with someone more handsome to be confident that I love someone ?! I think I will loose my mind guys ... 

I am tired.

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 It's common problem for a ROCD because you keep observing him every day and you keep thinking it over and over and you find a problem where there isn't. Make a list to what you love about your partner or you can write him a letter with what you love about him or why you are happy with him. 

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Quote from Guest on December 29, 2020, 7:13 pm

I don’t know if anyone here is having this same specific very weird thought. That when you look sometimes at your partner or at a picture of him, it says he is not that beautiful, Therefore I can’t be with someone ugly ! (And like ... in the real life when you are with him you find him very handsome and attractive) but well... he is not the most handsome in the world but I love him and I find him handsome, but sometimes I have this thought poping up probably because what attracted me first about him was his personalitu and not physical. I remember the first time I sow him I thought, oh he is so tall wow let’s look at his face and saying ... oh he is not handsome. And then being impressed by his personality until one day I was like omg he is handsome ! And then I was so into him ect... until OCD hits me so sooo hardly.
it comes and goes, when I choose to not listen to the thoughts and reassure myslef ect ... it comes for like weeks to 1 month or two and then comes again with new or old thoughts that I thought were solved !

i love my partner, he is the perfect one for me, I wan to marry him and I feel like I can’t be happy because of this OCD.

how can anybody that is in love with someone thinks he is ugly when he was attracted to him at the begining ?!! How can that be...

and of course there are million of other thoughts like cheating, or what if he is not the one, or what if he is not intelligent enough or what if he has an STI or whatever miserable thought that hurts me so deeply. But this one is killing me because beauty is important maybe to me ...

I am really confused and afraid that if I recover, I will find myself still seeing him not as handsome as I would like him to be or something like this and discover that I was juste reassuring myself and saying it was OCD when it is not. Because like ... I am feeling that I really think this is true like I truely thik he is not that handsome. It is a fact so it is not OCD right ?! But I love him! Maybe I should be with someone more handsome to be confident that I love someone ?! I think I will loose my mind guys ...

I am tired.

Good morning, this is a very common ROCD theme. I have also been going through this for the past 6 months and it has been a very hard theme for me to deal with. I have been married to my wife for 11 years. Everything had been perfect (as good as it gets in my opinion). I have had OCD for most of my life like most of us do. This summer my OCD morphed into Harm-OCD and then soon after ROCD. It first started with what if I don't love my partner enough, and then quickly moved onto what if I have fallen out of love with my wife and don't find her attractive anymore and want to cheat.

This is called a cognitive distortion. It's basically an irrational belief. The good thing is since we made up the irrational belief, we can also change it. Ruminations are what keeps this all going. Ruminating is a compulsion and needs to be cut out. You can't control the first thought, but you can control what you decide to replay.

You have to remember a few things.

1- Attraction doesn't really matter, that's where we're always told to make sure you like your partner as well. Looks fade, and to are not always going to be attracted to your partner. If you leave your current partner, you will have the same issues with your new partner eventually.

2- Love is a choice, just like happiness is a choice. Love is not a feeling, but an action. It's something that we get to choose to do. Yes, sometimes love produces feelings, but its not a feeling. If you want to love someone act loving towards them (not compulsively).

3- Always base your choices and actions based on your values. Don't listen to OCD. That is what it wants. Choose based off your values.

4- Stop any dialog with these thoughts. Just say, yeah, maybe, maybe not. Maybe I don't find my partner attractive anymore, maybe I do.. can't know for sure, or agree with the thought with humor... okay OCD, I don't think my partner is attractive anymore.. whatever you say and laugh. OCD is like a bully. The more that you care, the worse it picks on you. Just say, thanks but no thanks. Stop engaging and trying to figure any of it out. OCD is a  impulsive liar. You can't answer questions that are fake to begin with.

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Has this been an ongoing thing with your ROCD? 
are you on any antidepressants?

just want to know, because I think I have partner focused ROCD and I feel very alone.

most of the time I think I don’t have ROCD. The psychiatrist has told me I have OCD. I somehow refuse to believe it.

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Quote from Guest on February 25, 2021, 10:44 am

Has this been an ongoing thing with your ROCD? 
are you on any antidepressants?

just want to know, because I think I have partner focused ROCD and I feel very alone.

most of the time I think I don’t have ROCD. The psychiatrist has told me I have OCD. I somehow refuse to believe it.

hey, 

it's normal for us who suffer from ocd just believe we don't, it is actually the very first signal of anxiety/ocd: what if this is not ocd/anxiety and just me denying it? 

trust me, I also have that thought. we all have (what a coincidence, right?) 

it's normal just do the same thing you do with the other thoughts and disregard it ? 

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Quote from Guest on January 4, 2021, 9:53 am
Quote from Guest on December 29, 2020, 7:13 pm

I don’t know if anyone here is having this same specific very weird thought. That when you look sometimes at your partner or at a picture of him, it says he is not that beautiful, Therefore I can’t be with someone ugly ! (And like ... in the real life when you are with him you find him very handsome and attractive) but well... he is not the most handsome in the world but I love him and I find him handsome, but sometimes I have this thought poping up probably because what attracted me first about him was his personalitu and not physical. I remember the first time I sow him I thought, oh he is so tall wow let’s look at his face and saying ... oh he is not handsome. And then being impressed by his personality until one day I was like omg he is handsome ! And then I was so into him ect... until OCD hits me so sooo hardly.
it comes and goes, when I choose to not listen to the thoughts and reassure myslef ect ... it comes for like weeks to 1 month or two and then comes again with new or old thoughts that I thought were solved !

i love my partner, he is the perfect one for me, I wan to marry him and I feel like I can’t be happy because of this OCD.

how can anybody that is in love with someone thinks he is ugly when he was attracted to him at the begining ?!! How can that be...

and of course there are million of other thoughts like cheating, or what if he is not the one, or what if he is not intelligent enough or what if he has an STI or whatever miserable thought that hurts me so deeply. But this one is killing me because beauty is important maybe to me ...

I am really confused and afraid that if I recover, I will find myself still seeing him not as handsome as I would like him to be or something like this and discover that I was juste reassuring myself and saying it was OCD when it is not. Because like ... I am feeling that I really think this is true like I truely thik he is not that handsome. It is a fact so it is not OCD right ?! But I love him! Maybe I should be with someone more handsome to be confident that I love someone ?! I think I will loose my mind guys ...

I am tired.

Good morning, this is a very common ROCD theme. I have also been going through this for the past 6 months and it has been a very hard theme for me to deal with. I have been married to my wife for 11 years. Everything had been perfect (as good as it gets in my opinion). I have had OCD for most of my life like most of us do. This summer my OCD morphed into Harm-OCD and then soon after ROCD. It first started with what if I don't love my partner enough, and then quickly moved onto what if I have fallen out of love with my wife and don't find her attractive anymore and want to cheat.

This is called a cognitive distortion. It's basically an irrational belief. The good thing is since we made up the irrational belief, we can also change it. Ruminations are what keeps this all going. Ruminating is a compulsion and needs to be cut out. You can't control the first thought, but you can control what you decide to replay.

You have to remember a few things.

1- Attraction doesn't really matter, that's where we're always told to make sure you like your partner as well. Looks fade, and to are not always going to be attracted to your partner. If you leave your current partner, you will have the same issues with your new partner eventually.

2- Love is a choice, just like happiness is a choice. Love is not a feeling, but an action. It's something that we get to choose to do. Yes, sometimes love produces feelings, but its not a feeling. If you want to love someone act loving towards them (not compulsively).

3- Always base your choices and actions based on your values. Don't listen to OCD. That is what it wants. Choose based off your values.

4- Stop any dialog with these thoughts. Just say, yeah, maybe, maybe not. Maybe I don't find my partner attractive anymore, maybe I do.. can't know for sure, or agree with the thought with humor... okay OCD, I don't think my partner is attractive anymore.. whatever you say and laugh. OCD is like a bully. The more that you care, the worse it picks on you. Just say, thanks but no thanks. Stop engaging and trying to figure any of it out. OCD is a  impulsive liar. You can't answer questions that are fake to begin with.

yeah!!! that's it, love can actually have feelings of course but is its MAJORITY it's a choice of being, trusting, caring, love the same person over and over again despite all duferences, that's what love is! loved it! I'm still struggling too but I remember that everytime because it is actually true, people think that in a relationship it's urgent tohave passion all the time, butteflies, fireworks, always thinking our partner is awesome and beautiful and it's not, a true relationship has its ups and downs and true love shows itself when we as a couple overcome that, that is love: choice, hope you're doing well 🙂

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Sometimes I find my partner handsome and sometimes I don’t. I feel good with him even when he is in the “ not attractive “ phase in my head. Also some days I think I look more attractive than other days. There isn’t  big book of truth that describes what is handsome or pretty. The beauty is in the eyes of beholder! When you don’t find him handsome do you still feel like spending time with him and do you enjoy him? Would you be ok releasing him to a girl that would find him handsome? Something tells me that you are not the only one that found him attractive and if you were not together he would find that person, not staying lonely for the rest of his life. Ocd is tricking you into feeling bad about something that isn’t bad. And you know for sure it’s ocd when you are “ thinking into the future “. What if in the future I will find him unattractive....”. Thinking in future is anxiety, in the past its a depression. Ocd is an anxiety disorder. If you enjoy your partner do so despite the ocd... maybe close your eyes and feel your love to him and then try to imagine giving him to someone who would find him attractive all the time because that person wouldn’t suffer from ocd. 🙂

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Quote from Guest on December 29, 2020, 7:13 pm

I don’t know if anyone here is having this same specific very weird thought. That when you look sometimes at your partner or at a picture of him, it says he is not that beautiful, Therefore I can’t be with someone ugly ! (And like ... in the real life when you are with him you find him very handsome and attractive) but well... he is not the most handsome in the world but I love him and I find him handsome, but sometimes I have this thought poping up probably because what attracted me first about him was his personalitu and not physical. I remember the first time I sow him I thought, oh he is so tall wow let’s look at his face and saying ... oh he is not handsome. And then being impressed by his personality until one day I was like omg he is handsome ! And then I was so into him ect... until OCD hits me so sooo hardly.
it comes and goes, when I choose to not listen to the thoughts and reassure myslef ect ... it comes for like weeks to 1 month or two and then comes again with new or old thoughts that I thought were solved !

i love my partner, he is the perfect one for me, I wan to marry him and I feel like I can’t be happy because of this OCD. 

how can anybody that is in love with someone thinks he is ugly when he was attracted to him at the begining ?!! How can that be...

and of course there are million of other thoughts like cheating, or what if he is not the one, or what if he is not intelligent enough or what if he has an STI or whatever miserable thought that hurts me so deeply. But this one is killing me because beauty is important maybe to me ... 

I am really confused and afraid that if I recover, I will find myself still seeing him not as handsome as I would like him to be or something like this and discover that I was juste reassuring myself and saying it was OCD when it is not. Because like ... I am feeling that I really think this is true like I truely thik he is not that handsome. It is a fact so it is not OCD right ?! But I love him! Maybe I should be with someone more handsome to be confident that I love someone ?! I think I will loose my mind guys ... 

I am tired.

hey, can i contact you somehow? Maybe email or messenger? I would like to ask you a couple of questions. i'm 18 and i have rocd, i want to get some advice from people who overcame it

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hello how are you doing?