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Sometimes I hate myself

Honestly, waking up everyday having to sleep for 3 extra hours because I can’t sleep because I feel like Jesus hates me is tiring. Everyday I start to cry just thinking about it. Every night I have insomnia, I can’t sleep and all I can do is shake in fear that after this life, I’m done for. It’s the same question from my parents every day, “are you okay?” “Talk to me”.  “ You’re 11, you’re to young for this”

“Don’t let the thoughts in”

I can’t do anything anymore because almost anything triggers my ocd now. I’m always sorry, I’m always sad, I’m always tired, I’m never hungry anymore. When I pray I have thoughts that call Jesus evil things the Pharisees said. Then I ruminate because I can’t decide whether or not I agree with the things they say. I’m always thinking that Jesus looks down on me thinking I’m a disease. I stop praying when I get the thoughts, but that makes me think I agree with them and that makes it worse. When I was 6 I was like, boy I’m gonna live a long happy life. Fast forward 5 years later all I feel is sadness. What’s that you wanna watch tv with mom? It won’t make your sins go away. Every day I ponder to myself is Jesus real? What if I agree with thoughts calling Jesus evil, I stopped doing it so I must agree that it’s real right? I can’t play video games, eat, relax, nothing. All I do now is sleep and feel like my life is over. It dosent feel like ocd anymore. I feel like everyday I struggle to even find out who I am. Every day I’m depressed, sad , anxious about the afterlife. I can’t take it anymore, sometimes I feel like abandoning my own religion because it’s too much stress. I say that I’m fine, IM NOT FINE.

What do you mean I’ll find out when I die, by the time I’m dead I can’t do anything. When someone says don’t intentionally think of blaspheming God, then I’ll start to think about it and i can’t get it out of my head. Everyone says I’m not the same anymore, honestly was I ever Christian?

All of those emotions you are feeling are Ocd. All those thoughts that Jesus does not love you are ocd. Please try to stop ruminating. God loves you so much. If God loves the biggest mass murderer on earth do you think he won't love someone with a mental illness? You are not sinning. Those are not your thoughts. Throughout all of this remember Jesus loves you. Even if you don't feel it, your ocd tells you otherwise . Jesus loves us no matter what.

Can you explain something to me though

i get blasphemous thoughts about Jesus saying the things the Pharisees said about him, so that stops me from doing the thing that triggers it. I don’t believe it but I’m worried that counts a blasphemy

It matters not if it is blasphemy or not. You can't control the thoughts . God is not going to hold accountable for something you can't control.

Jesus knows and loves you! Keep praying to Jesus as if the thoughts were never even there. Ignore them the best you can! I am a pastors son and have been fought with things trying to make me doubt for years. Jesus loves you always and knows exactly what you are going through. The first time I dealt with this I was almost your same age. The thing that helped me most was to tell God to please help me through this. Give me strength and wisdom. It helps to live your life’s as if those thoughts have no power. Right now it feels like thought rules your life and that is the case when someone has ocd. I felt like I couldn’t even play video games that were rated E for everyone. All the things you were going through there’s been someone else that’s gone to the same exact thing. Your life is not over. No matter how terrible the thought feel trust me no thought could surprise me bc I’ve been there! Keep living as if the thought has no value bc the thought is 100% lies. Make it a goal today to do something that you used to enjoy. For me I played my game and of course the dreaded thoughts came but guess what I’d keep playing the game! The longer you play that game without letting thoughts stop you the easier it will become. This works for most of everything. When you feel like you can’t pray bc of the thoughts just keep praying and trust me I know it won’t be easy but God knows what you are going through just pray to Him! Hope this helps! You are going to make it! Just keep living your life and don’t let the thoughts stop you from doing things you love! God loves you! I love you! Praying for you