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Same relationship patterns and history with ocd

Hi! Im going to write my story so hopefully someone can explain what I cannot explain to myself. So I have a history with OCD and I have been single for 5 years now. A year ago I met this guy and we talked for two months (text and phone calls). I had feelings for him, and then I didn't, it was all very confusing. He came to visit me and I was having a nice time with him but when he kissed or touched me I felt really anxious. I felt disgusted by everything he did and I could not understand why. I wanted it to go away but the anxiety kept building and it became too much. I cried for days after he left and I wasn't sure if I should end it or not. In the end I did and later on we became friends. Then, a few months later I met this other guy and the same thing started happening. I felt like I liked him and then I was suddenly repulsed by him, and it would just change without any warning. We went out for the first time and I thought I didnt like him but as soon as we separated I felt something for him. So, I continued seeing him and even spent a few days totally anxiety-free and in love. As it went on, my anxiety came back, I was analyzing everything. I felt disgusted and repulsed by him and extremly guilty because he doesn't know the truth. Anyway, I broke it off too and thought to myself: Okay, you didn't feel it for the two of them, simple. But then my therapist told me that disgust was a way of defending myself and that I had feelings for both of them. Also, I found out about the ROCD but didn't know how it applies on new relationships. And now I am stuck thinking if I should fight for a relationship with one of them, but it seems wrong to have to choose and I don't know what is true anymore and what is just my brain lying to me. If you have any advice, I would be very thankful.

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It is interesting! Could you recommend a reliable dating resource where I can meet good people?

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