(Deleted and posted on this forum in hopes someone will reply)

For a while I used to accept I could not control my groinal responses, but for this past week I’ve been hyper aware of my bodily reactions. I have been focussed how every time i breathe, when I exhale my groinal area (I’m a woman) twitches/pulses in the clit area. I now think I’ve been purposely making these twitches happen. I monitor, check then I inhale and exhale to see if the urge that a twitch will happen, happens. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. When the twitch comes I feel like I enjoy it and want more, but I’m completely repulsed straight after. What’s worse is I tend to do this whilst I’m watching YouTube and scared I’ve purposely gotten off to other women and my own family members like my mum because I can’t help but check and feel like a twitch will happen. I want to die!!! Am I a bad person for constantly waiting to see if it’ll happen? For exhaling when I know the urge that a twitch will come, feeling like it will happen and it happens? For in the moment feeling like I WANT the twitch to happen? I do it so many times, I feel so ashamed and I don’t know why I do this. This is making me suicidal. I’m feeling like I’ve acted on my urges/intrusive thoughts. I really don’t know why I can’t stop doing this, I feel like a monster who has gotten off on people and gone beyond “just thoughts.”