My HOCD Story-"Your gut knows but it takes a while for your brain to catch up to it"

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I have been through it all with HOCD. I have seen everything it can throw at you to make you doubt yourself. it had torn apart my life and at the same time, I knew it was all bullshit OCD. I bet you have been through hell too with this terrible theme of OCD.

I'm not here to reassure anybody. But I will tell you that HOCD will feel very very very real. It doesn't matter if you've felt aroused or have experienced quick rushes of attraction, or are just convinced for WHATEVER reason that you might be gay. Because there are A LOT of situations where it will trick you into feeling you're gay. I know you probably think your situation is UNIQUE. Your situation is not unique. trust me, everyone thinks whatever their trigger is unique and that's why they are gay. OCD is like a hack on your brain. It doesn't matter if you are heterosexual. OCD will send false signals/feelings that will trigger you.

For example, I also had health OCD and thought I had MS or ALS. I ruminated and worried and searched online all day. Eventually, I experienced physical symptoms of MS and ALS. One time my entire forearm went numb. I once started to get fasciculations (big ALS symptom) all over my body. My entire head would twitch. The entire left side of my eye looked cloudy. I started to have short term memory loss. etc. THE POINT I'm trying to make is that if OCD can cause all of these crazy physical symptoms for my health fears that arent true, WHY CAN'T IT DO THE SAME THING WITH HOCD!!!! (and BTW I know for sure it was all OCD because I got a legit MRI on my brain which showed my brain was perfectly healthy.) 

In short, I recovered from HOCD by following Ali's advice. But I want to elaborate more on why I feel you need to stop ruminating/analyzing immediately. Many of you may feel you have a sense in your gut that you know HOCD is all bullshit and you're really heterosexual. (even if you are sooo unsure about you're sexuality that you can't tell from your gut, I still want you to put faith in yourself and follow through with what I say). YOU NEED TO STOP THINKING ABOUT IT TO "LET YOUR BRAIN CATCH UP WITH YOUR GUT"!!! I got this quote from a TV show but I really thought it fit well with OCD and recovery. Whatever HOCD fear you have you need trust in yourself and put it off for a while. Easier said than done right. I know it took a lot of practice to finally get this but if the thought comes up in any way(sensations, urges, images, feelings, attractions, arousal, gay dreams, etc.) YOU NEED TO IGNORE IT and continue on with something else. I'm not saying suppress the thought and avoid it. I'm saying if the thought comes up in any way and lasts a second quickly refocus yourself on something else. If the thought comes up again 10 seconds later do it again. And do it again. It takes practice. Even if it is in the back of your mind for a long time, remember how long you have built up the habit of worrying/ruminating. It's going to take a while to build back up the habit of dismissing OCD thoughts before it feels better.  And like I said, you're brain will catch up to your gut and realize you not gay and HOCD is dumb if you give it time. Put it on hold no matter how scary. say to yourself, "yeah, this trigger is really scary but worrying about it has done nothing for me so far so I might as well do something else" or put whatever spin on it that you want. (Once again if you are so worried that you don't know in your gut, still follow this advice. You're going to need to take the leap and live in uncertainty.) This same concept needs to be applied to any OCD theme. I have gotten over this theme even after being at the very bottom where I felt I couldn't trust my gut. You will get over this. Stand up to this monster. I believe in all of you. God bless

Dawg, Needle in the Hay and 2 other users have reacted to this post.
DawgNeedle in the HaycathTaiven333
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Hi can it make everything feel so real that it starts to mess with your memories about how if you admired someone or an animation in the past it makes you think... Heyyy you liked her that means you are gay.... Something I've never questioned in my life like ever. It makes me try to believe I'm in denial and sometimes the thought comes in so strong I bthe form of a statement. I've lost my attraction to males and gained an attraction to females and this makes me feel like crap can this be hocd I feel it is. Because I've heard that people who are gay take comfort and know and are happy they figured it out. But all I feel is fear anxiety and disgust. I have nothing against the lgbtq but I know it's not me but at times it does feel so darn real and  I don't know what to do. 

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Reassurance is dangerous and short term relief. So please have faith in yourself. It takes a little time to build the habit of not worrying. Put your fears aside for a little bit. Follow Ali's advice on doing ERP for Pure O. 

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What kind of erp would be the best for hocd? 

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HOCD is basically a subset of Pure OCD. Pure OCD is a big tree and each branch is HOCD, Harm OCD, Sexual OCD, Health OCD, etc. It can literally be anything. So you have to attack the actual root of it which is Pure O. Ali has like 10 videos on ERP for pure o which all pretty much say the same thing but here's one.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNKwNVJ_R0I&t=184s

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How long did it take you to recover? And how could you tell you were close to recovering? 

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There is no timetable but I would say for me after a month or two of practicing ignoring the thoughts it became more clear. But it could take longer depending on how much you've built OCD into a habit. It's all about breaking this terrible habit and it may take some time. The hardest part was brushing off new triggers that arise in the day. The way you can tell if you're doing better is by tracking your rumination throughout the day. I know Ali preaches this but it is really important to reduce the numbers and see the numbers go down. I'm still currently fighting OCD but I would say I ruminate less than 1% of my day. I'm currently into 2 months of really following my recovery but I know Ali said you have to be strong because it could take up to six months to truly reach full recovery. 

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I hardly ruminate at all about it anymore. The only thing keeping me in the loop is the fear of being attracted. Every time I see anyone of the same sex. It doesn’t cause much anxiety anymore but it still bothers me, but that’s all. I don’t go around thinking about it all day everyday anymore. I don’t avoid anymore. Mainly everything has gone away except that. Hopefully I’m close to recovering. 

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Also did you deal with the false attraction? I feel like I’m the only one. I’m married and have been for years with no thought about any of this until one day. It’s been hell

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Like I said in my original post OCD can mold itself into whatever you fear making anything feel real. that's really good that you don't ruminate about it anymore. Take those times you feel attracted to someone that bothers you and use it as an ERP opportunity. let the feeling of fear discomfort sit there without you going into it. it sounds like you've been doing that already somewhat so keep at it. 

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