Please, can somebody tell me that this is normal?

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So i been diagnosed with pure o and well my fears has always been, losing control, have schizophrenia, having a psychotic break, being psychotic and a long etc, and of course harm somebody, i have to say that i'm having a lot of anxiety since last year, my level right now is on top, i have to say i tried to kill myself in december for fear of believing thoughts that i knew they weren't real but that's another thing, what is causing me so much anxiety, and fear is that i have intrusive thoughts about my mother poisoning me, i know that's no true, i fear that i'm gonna do something to my mother cuz i'm gonna believe It, and here comes the worst, when i'm having a lot of anxiety this happen and my psychology told me is my anxiety and ocd but i don't think this is normal, well i'm gonna explain, when i'm checking to myself to see if those thoughts are true this happened, for a few seconds i believe that, i mean my mind knew and It was so sure that that's what the true, feel like i lose control of myself and reality cuz to my mind for a few seconds is true that my mum is trying to poison me, is like i'm not longer in control of my mind, she decide that that's is the truth, is like i know for a seconds that that's the true, is real my mom is poisoning me, and after that happen i start having a panick attack, and that's is how my last week has been, i been having a lot of panick attacks, and a lot of intrusive thoughts, like i'm going to eat and my mine is, she's poisoning you, i left my water in the living room and my mind again she's going to poison It, and i can't take It anymore, cuz i love my mother with all my fucking heart, she's the best mother i could ask for, so this is killing me, cuz i feel like i doubt, and that give me anxiety, i feel like is true and that give me anxiety, i feel like i'm suspicious of my mother and that give anxiety, and i was a little better i tried no to check mentally and for a day i got so much better i feel like i was having anxiety for nothing cuz is dumb, and i really try to no ruminate, but yesterday got another panick attack, i feel like i was having a psychotic break and i tried to kill myself, i just wanna know if someone has feel this, if this is normal cuz i believe is not, so please somebody please help me, because is like a lapse, and is like 2/3 seconds even tho sometimes It feel like an eternity, so that's is, a lapse in wich my my mind take control over me, or im going crazy or i don't know, but for those seconds i believe that that's the true, my mind know is true, is the reality, is all true and i know is true and i feel It too, is like i stop being me, and im psychotic already cause my mind know is the pure true, and when that finnish just after that finnish i start having a panick attack, so i really wanna know if this is normal, is just my ocd or anxiety, please somebody please help me, and thank you in advance

 

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Hello OP! First thing's first! YOU ARE NORMAL. You are ruminating! This is absolutely your OCD! Your OCD is spiking your anxiety when you get stuck ruminating. There is a big difference between knowing and believing thoughts to be true and not true. You can know your thoughts DON'T mean anything but you can still believe they do. Just because you know they don't mean anything doesn't change your deep-rooted beliefs on whether you believe your thoughts to having meaning or not. You say you are scared because you think you are gonna believe the thoughts about your mother poising you to be true but you have to understand that you are ruminating and that any question after that is all OCD.  What you are doing is analyzing these thoughts and asking more and more questions that lead to more what if's and question's about what these thought's mean about you.  You ARE RUMINATING AND ANALYZING. you even say "when I'm checking to myself to see if those thoughts are true this happened," This is a compulsion! Your analysis of the thoughts leads you to do a compulsion.  Your compulsion, in this case, is checking yourself so you feel a certain way so you can "confirm" whether these thoughts are true or not. What you need to become aware of is that this is all OCD. When you become aware of the anxiety you need to stop and disregard the thoughts. When you don't do this you get stuck in the anxiety your explaining in your post. You've trained your brain to react in fear every time your OCD switches themes in this case your mother. So now every time this thought about your mother comes up you get stuck ruminating and doing analyses and compulsion loops. Ali has tons of videos on how to stop ruminating on her youtube channel. Watch this video here! 

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Ys11
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Thank you, but what i am still scared is because when the panick attack happend i did believe my mom was poisoning me, It was the true, but i was sure that that was true, so that's why i don't think this is normal, cuz in the panick attack i believe that, It was the reality and i was sure that my mother was poisoning me, i already believe It, is not the feeling is the knowing

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OCD feels real for everyone. You are ruminating. This is a compulsion and the deeper you look for answers the less there will be. OCD is irrational and you can’t take anything at face value. Nothing anyone says will provide you with enough reassurance to make that problem go away you have to take a leap of faith and stop trying to solve it (stop ruminating). This is the only way. More searching only leads to temporary reassurance (maybe) and (with certainty) many more distressing questions. 

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Quote from Guest on January 27, 2021, 2:35 am

OCD feels real for everyone. You are ruminating. This is a compulsion and the deeper you look for answers the less there will be. OCD is irrational and you can’t take anything at face value. Nothing anyone says will provide you with enough reassurance to make that problem go away you have to take a leap of faith and stop trying to solve it (stop ruminating). This is the only way. More searching only leads to temporary reassurance (maybe) and (with certainty) many more distressing questions. 

I know It feels real, and i got that sensation many times and the fear of believing, but this time i was sure that that was true, is not a feeling problem, is a knowing problem, cuz for a few seconds it was real and i knew ok? Like i was sure