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I don’t want to feel this

Hey all...struggling with deep depression and ocd....no matter how many doctors or therapist tell me it’s “most likely” ocd i have not gotten a clear diagnosis ....either way I’m pretty sure I suffer from Rocd ...it’s so debilitating and I guess my question is ...does anyone else get so incredibly sad becuz you just want to feel love and be happy with your partner? I know he’s great and when I’m feeling “happy” I have no doubts but then here comes this little devil OCD ...seemingly out of nowhere every time...any stress in my life just causes these terrible break up urges and deep sadness. I miss my husband and he’s right next to me 🙁  

Hello, 

I know how it feels, feeling the same. I love my boyfriend so much and this things just make me feel "empty" sometimes like he doesnt matter, we doesn't matter. Questions like "Do I love him? Do I want to be with him? Am I in denial? Do I want this? What if I fell out of love? I don't know if he's attractive anymore, is he attractive? Did I feel that kiss? Did I enjoy our intimacy? Is this correct? Do I feel love for him? Do I feel the same way? OMG, I cannot feel anything, I will try and I cannot, I'm scared"

This last one, actually trying to see if you feel or not, it does not work, it will have a contrary effect. Just like you not wanting to have the thoughts, they will come back. With feelings it's the same cycle. However, this is ALL part of OCD feelings, emotions, doubts. One thing creats another one. It's a cycle. 

In your deep heart you know you love your husband as I know I do love my beautiful and loving boyfriend. He's the most beautiful, caring, nice, wonderful person in the word (mine of course), I love his kisses and hugs, the story we have and what we're creating together and I absolutelly love him so much, that beautiful feeling of care, of intimacy, of respect, of support, etc... this is love, love is not something you can see or quantify and that's what OCD is trying to make you do, it's not possible and that's why the thoughts seem so real (and the thoughts are actually popping in my had right now, that's normal if you're reading this your yours are popping too). And if you're looking for this, asking what's happning here, feeling all this and suffering, I must tell you that you actually feel the same for your husband too and you absolutely love and adore him. 🙂 

Trust me, I know how it feels. I've been in there for like 5 or 6 months for now. I was having the same break up urges you're having, I couldn't eat or sleep, I couldn't concentrate. I was irritated. I was procastinating, I couldn't do things I loved, my job well done. I was sad all the time even when I was pretending I was not, deep down I was suffering so much. I was googling things about "falling out of love", etc. I had severe panic attacks and anxiety crises (and I still do, sadly. But they occur with less frequency). Some hours I was fine and then they would come up like "see, you're not thinking about it, you don't care, you don't love him, you don't feel the same way" and then I would ruminate and actually feel like all that was real, we date for 2 years and things get more normal and cozy and chill that they were at the beggining. That's normal and expected, no relationship is the same as the 1st month of dating, you know? None. Relationships take work and effort. There are no passion all the time, no pacience all the time, no certainty all the time  (never to be honest, because we got no sure of anything in life even our own stuff, you know?), no fireworks or butterflies in belly all the time, it just gets normal and that's ok. Sometimes we feel a lot and sometimes we don't and that DOES NOT mean we don't love or that we are not loved. That's just how relationships evolve, they got curves, they're not a straight line. Just like life when we have good and bad moments, that does not mean we don't like to live, right?

The thing with this ups and downs, butterflies or not (which is all normal in relationships) is that for us that struggle with ROCD, it's like "proof" that all that messy wave of intrusive thoughts that goes into our head it's true but it's not. It's just the cycle of OCD, no matter the type of it: relationship, contamination, homophobia, harm, etc. Probably if you were not suffering from Relationship OCD you would feel the exact same things that are normal in a relationship and you would be like "Ok, this is stupid. Don't care". That's how people with no anxiety or OCD feels about that kind of questions that pop into our heads or doubts, because EVERY SINGLE PERSON, COUPLE, HAS THEM. The problem it's in how YOU REACT to them: if you're anxious and have OCD this will be like hell because you think you shouldn't think that kind of things because that's not supposed in a relationship (which is not true at all, everyone gets them, relationships have it's ups and downs just as life and that doesn't mean love is over and that everything has to end, NOT AT ALL). And then if you're a regular person you just notice that thoughts, you know that there are no danger and there are no worries and life goes on. That's not us, I feel you. 🙂

And I'm still struggling with all of that and I know you will see youself in my own words. That's fine, it's the same things and basically the same thoughts (oh what a coincidence, right?). I just hope this doesn't trigger you because I'm just trying to help. There are things that can actually trigger us into thoughts or feelings, you should have realized that already. For example, today I'm fine, I'm distracted working and I'm answering you without feeling triggered but that does not happen all the time. I'm not recovered, I'm not even close to that. But I got some good days now and you'll have them too. Just don't give up.

These things take time. Keep the therapy, it will help you a loooot. I have no diagnosis yet just like you, but I know I got OCD too. I've had it my entire life and I just didn't know that. My therapist just needs more sessions to come up with the diagnosis (despite she already told me that probably yes, I got it). But these things take time, you know? Diagnosis are not easy to come up with but for us it seems like forever because we want to know for sure we have that problem so it would be an "answer" and then everything would be better. But it does not, trust me. It wouldn't change anything the way you feel, just keep calm and go with easy with that, don't think too much of it, it gets ROCD and OCD in general worse. 🙂 

As I said to you, I already had OCD befora, it was HOCD and I was feeling the same way I'm feeling with ROCD. Same cycle of thoughts and trusting them, wanting to know all what ifs and bla bla bla. I just didn't know at the time I was having OCD and I didn't look for help (sadly not recomended). Happily, with time it just went away (I also don't know how but I do remember I suffered like 2 or 3 months with that too). This time is getting a little worse, maybe because of the environment of the world, too much stress, too much worry, too much covid... It can be an actually trigger to OCD people because we got more time to worry and ruminate, mainly the contamination OCD I guess. 

It's like it goes straight into the things and persons you love the most. Be strong, that urges, feelings, emotions, all that things you say? I'm still going through that too. Somedays are ok, some days are awful and I just want do die, deeply. Some days are like "eh 50/50 good/awful". But we can do this. Because in our deep hearts, we know the person we love, how much we want them and how much they are worth it. That's why we struggle with that so much... because despite all this, we know it. And we know ourselves too.

Keep pushing, we're together and we're gonna recover from it. Just do your job, keep loving your partner even if you're in a crises, don't run away (that's what anxiety and OCD want), don't ruminate, distract yourself the best you can (but don't do things to avoid thought, that doesn't work either, trust me I have tried), you need to let it flow normally, don't answer the thoughts, don't look for answers, don't google, don't try to see all the what ifs, don't do any of that OCD stuff. Everything that looks like ruminating, googling, urges, etc DON'T DO THAT, it's OCD. Everything related to the theme at this point, it's basically OCD, your brain created a pattern and it sticks to it. Be aware. 

Try to answer them with irony, for example if OCD tells you you don't love your husband, try do answer like "yup, that's right OCD, I don't. That's is." Use sarcasm (I know it's hard and you'll want tro cry and you'll suffer at first) but we gotta start somewhere. At first it will be triggering and OCD will make you feel like you're giving it reason and that all thats it's true, break up urges and thoughts and negative emotions/feelings will pop up stronger and that's normal because you're aggreing with your fears and OCD will make everything to start the cycle again, DO NOT FALL FOR IT. Keep doing the same thing. You'll have set backs, I have many many many and that's normal and expected in recovery process. But you gotta wake up again and restart THAT job I just told you. It's ERP, Exposure and Response Prevention, it's a tecnic used in therapy. You'll do that. But you can start slowly now. Recover has its ups and downs but we can do that.

You're not alone. Hope I could help with this. Sorry the giant text but I thought you were in need of an enlightenment. I needed it when it all started and I haven't. Now that I'm more into the subject (and I'm far from totally recovered) I want to help too. Be good,  Xoxo 

I meant "head", sorry 🙂

Actually, sorry about all language mistakes, I'm not native in english. But hope you understand.

Wow thank you so much 

TRIGGER WARNING !!!        Yes!!! Depression is a symptom of ocd and it is not rare to have other conditions going on with ocd. I felt like you a lot all  the way to having suicidal thoughts and my life crumbling in front of my eyes. For the last 5 years in therapy even changing a therapist and trying to treat a depression and anxiety I was heading the opposite way. Only couple of weeks ago me n my therapist found out that I have OCD. I read about it from books, people, experiences and now it makes sense to me and I’m starting to make a progress. Considering that I was on meds for depression already my NP gave me meds that are making a difference in some people with ocd. So probably the progress it’s a mix of finding the primary cause and meds. I don’t like the big pharma and have an issue with being on meds but I also have found a good explanation that helped me to accept it. The treatment of ocd relies on rewiring the brain from old way of functioning. While working on it meds help with an anxiety and emotional pain to handle the treatment process. That’s why the recommended  treatment of ocd is meds plus therapy. I do hope ones my work in therapy will handle the ocd I might be able to wean off of meds. Some people respond to meds some not. I looked for the ones that are helping for about a year and the right therapy person and approach ( brainspotting ) for 5 years. I finally feel like I’m recovering and will continue since I have my loved ones who I can now feel and give them more of me. I wanted to write what I’ve been through to give you encouragement to keep looking for a way how to battle. Mental illness is painful for many of us. Talking, learning what works and what not and supporting help.