Please or Register to create posts and topics.

Help me get a clear perspective?

I am 3 months in the recovery process and am doing so much better, but am hitting a bit of a wall. At some point during the recovery process, I met a pretty amazing guy and OF COURSE OCD saw that I cared and this was important to me and the theme switched from Pure O to ROCD. I met him at a poetry show and he is into all the same things as me, he likes reading, writing, poetry, and is extremely sweet and kind to me. I simply want to enjoy getting to know him and connect with him because I've never met someone as genuine, kind and funny as him. But since the beginning OCD has been berating me. I thought about just being friends but I like him and I refuse to be bullied by OCD into holding back on something that I want to experience. OCD tells me I am faking and I don't really care about him and that I'm just using him because I'm lonely. Often times when he texts me instead of butterflies I am met with horrible anxiety and a stream of thoughts like "you're just pretending to care about his day" "you dont like him" and I feel guilty and anxious and get upset because I cant just enjoy talking to him. I'm to a point where I recognize this as classic OCD and am disregarding a lot more. I am trying to do ERP but i dont know exactly what i'm doing wrong. After I disregard I keep looking for it to feel "right" When I think about him and get a happy thought, OCD rushes in and turns it back to the same old story. Or if I do feel good and am enjoying conversation, OCD comes in with "why aren't you feeling this deeper?" This is the most difficult part that always gets me, a catch 22 if you will: When I am going through my day and I get a thought I disregard and move on, then when I get a normal thought, I try to hold onto it and make sure I am keeping track of it. Then I realize this is a compulsion and try to go on with my day and the guilt comes in and OCD says that NOW I am doing avoidance because I'm not thinking about him. If someone can help me here. I am more than willing to do the work, I just dont know how to handle this one.

I think you got it!!! It is ROCD and all of it and you are aware of it rationally. Everything you wrote is how ocd works. You know it but can’t get out maybe because of the anxiety about being vulnerable with somebody. Ocd will make us push people away when we are scared of being hurt. It’s better to discard then fall in love and be afraid of being discarded one day. The uncertainty factor plays a role here. I think the process is the same as with one other form of ocd. Don’t feel bad about those thoughts ... they show up out of nowhere and will be there for some time ... don’t suppress or run away from them ... acknowledge it’s on ocd and then go and your thing... and then they’ll go away until they come again. That’s on the “ thinking “ level. I’ve “ thought “ through for years my relationship.... my partner is super easy going and can disregard even very heavy situations. I couldn’t even imagine how is it possible . I started to practice the “ feeling “ of not caring about those thoughts. I literally imagined being him and how he feels when he says “ I’m not gonna worry about it, doesn’t make sense “. Sometimes I walk from one room to another to demonstrate walking away from it lol. You don’t have to solve being with him or not. You can keep going out with him and then you can stop if you feel like it. Doesn’t matter how amazing he is to you now ... if ever you feel like you don’t want to continue you will stop because you will feel like you don’t want to anymore so it’s not gonna hurt to let him go. If you keep getting to know him and liking him then you can continue until it doesn’t feel that way. You don’t have to discard him now just bc maybe one day it may not  work. You have choice and you can do whatever you want in your relationships when you can keep ocd blabbing it’s thing in the background. Try to feel like you don’t care much about ocd knowing it’s there and maybe go find out if you keep liking him or not. You may or you may not. You can do whatever you want. Maybe I’m blabbing right now ... I have a long day at work and work part is not happening so I’m responding and maybe not making much sense.