Help!! Childhood evidence/proof that I'm bi/gay

Quote from alex2003 on July 13, 2022, 3:41 pm

I‘m now suffering about 4 months from HOCD and it comes in waves. This week it‘s really bad, almost can‘t stop analyzing everything and constantly anxious. 

Now what is stopping me from recovery are my childhood memories. Every time HOCD comes back I try to fight it by avoiding doing compulsions and not analyzing but some childhood memories, where for example I was looking at men in underwear (which I was turned on by then? or just was curios?) or masturbating to solo jerking off videos one time when I was young (12), are producing extreme anxiety and distress and also are kind of a prove that I must be gay…

 

Also I remembered how I used to look up penis on regular on the internet and was aroused by that (I was about 9 years old) and how I thought about looking up vagina but it was somehow boring - until I discovered what that really is a couple of years later…

 

But I never felt the same for men like for women (I never felt anything for men before HOCD, never had the image of jerking someone off/sucking cock and so on) - but why then the jerking to dicks before puberty?

I mean this is like a 100% proof that I‘m bi for me

 

It feels like before puberty I was gay, in puberty straight then and now it‘s turned in a sort of Bi-OCD because I once (and also now but reduced during HOCD) was attracted to girls…

So my biggest problem is how to deal with these memories? Every time I try to recover they're stopping me