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Harm OCD relapse need some help

Hi, I have had OCD from a young age and have just had a bit of a relapse the past few days, differnce is this is the first time I’ve relapsed in a year and first first time I’ve relapsed off medication and out of therapy since then. I’m a bit lost and just need some help and hoping people are on here.

my mind is just constantly racing at the moment and can’t shut it up, I’ve dealt with relapses before and stopped it but I just don’t know how to with this one. At the moment it just feels like I want to and the question I can’t get out of my head is, is killing so bad, is it so bad to hurt someone if you just kill someone these thoughts will stop and you won’t feel sad the thoughts will stop if you do. And I’m so scared of that thought I’ve dealt with it before and I’ve overcome it but I’ve forgotten what I did to overcome my 2 year battle with this. Has anyone dealt with that thought before, cause I don’t want to kill/hurt people I hate it I’ve always been apolegitc even scratching someone and I don’t like causing harm I promise. But it feels so real like I want to kill so I can stop the thoughts but I don’t cause I hate it but it’s just the feelings and I hate the feelings they won’t go away. It’s wierd also cause I don’t know what’s wrong with me other than that that’s why it’s hard to make it go away the past week. It’s just feels like I want to see harm and that it won’t cause me pain. Like for example my minds convinced me if I see someone kill someone I’ll like it, but I accidentally hurt my dog before and I felt so guilty I don’t want to even see people get hurt I don’t like it. 

I guess I’m just a little lost at the moment and seeking re assurance that somebody else has had these thoughts. I know it’s bad to seek re assurance  but just tough atm. Just struggling to figure it out without a therapist. 

just hoping someone can see these post and tell me I won’t ever hurt someone like that and things will get better again. Just fearing that it’ll go on and won’t stop again

I am in the process of recovery myself, however I can offer you some hope.  I understand where you are coming from.  When I get like you are right now I get so focused on the situation and the actual thoughts but later realize that they were OCD thoughts and it wouldn't matter what the thoughts were if I reacted to them in fear. Try to stop ruminating. Easier said than done I know. You have overcome this in the past and I know you will also this time.  Don't let the relapse drag you down either. You have been doing well and now it is prob. just a little bit different without medication and a therapist.

Hi 

thanks for replying I’m trying it’s just this time feels so differnt and I’m scared, because this time I don’t have the help and I don’t wanna go back there as the past year has been amazing I’m just scared cause it feels so real

Hi Corey,

I am not sure if you'll see this since it's been awhile. I hope things have gotten better for you in the time being. I definitely understand the struggle of intrusive thoughts.

Try to remember that people that actually seek/want to do awful things regarding harm, do not actually contemplate their feelings or feel bad for having the thoughts. You wouldn't catch someone truly evil seeking out help like you have on this forum. 

 

Now I know this is reassurance and you should learn to live without seeking it but this is also the truth.

 

Try to practice sitting with the thoughts. Become comfortable with these thoughts as if it were an average thought that crosses your mind.

It is not the thought but the fear that lies behind it that erks you...

I will send peaceful energy your way my friend. We all just want peace.