Quote from hope on December 24, 2020, 2:43 pm
I've been having false memory OCD. It usually starts with "maybe I did something horrible and I don't remember" this relates to any type of harm. Then my mind will remember something, some time where I'm unsure of what happened when I was with someone, etc. I've been in therapy for a long time, never recovered. I started to do Ali's stuff because its free and it started to work.
Anyway the OCD was going away and all of a sudden I have a horrible dream that I harmed someone. I don't want to get into details, but now my mind is stuck on this and going over the entire time I was with that person. I keep thinking "what if this dream is actually a memory" The more I try to remember details around it, the more I keep having thoughts come up like, hmm maybe this happened....and then my brain goes YEA! that seems familiar.
So now I have these false memories, some seem more familiar than others, but they feel so real, feels like a good possibility they happened. when i imagine it i get this horrible familiarity feeling and dread and guilt and disgust. So the thing I'm so upset about is that it seems familiar and I'm so worried it is not OCD. I have ruminated before and remembered things correctly, like sometimes i'll have bad OCD about something and then finally remember something releiving, like I didn't do the horrible thing, I was just having OCD thoughts back then that's why it felt familiar. so how do I know if this is a correct detail or not? The thing I am worried about happened about 16-17 years ago. Will I know when I recover that I didn't do this? If i did do it I will not be able to live with myself
Is it normal for false memories to feel like possible real memories and seem familiar? I think I need to believe this before I can get back to a place where I can stop ruminating. my mind wants to keep trying to remember it correctly. I'm so upset that I let my mind even get into this one because now I have all this horrible details that seem like they could be real, like i could have possibly done the horrible thing. I feel like all these details and the possibility of them being real will haunt me my whole life.
I've never seen anyone describe false memories as actually feeling or seeming "familar" (however I still have a lot of doubt). Most ppl seem convinced they just made them up but they just "feel" real. So if anyone experience is similar would really appreciate your input. I know i'll have to start reducing but atm I feel like I can't. especially when I couldn't live with myself.