Quote from Guest on January 1, 2021, 9:58 amHello,
I have anxiety disorder for a year. It started after graduation. I got a job and I had a very severe boss. I was very stressed. At work I had shortness of breath, etc., I was constantly afraid that I could be fired and could be left with nothing, I only waited until the probationary period was over. Autumn and spring were always the worst months. This summer I had practically no symptoms at all, I met a great guy, I stopped worrying about my job and wanted to quit my therapy, and suddenly in September I got the hocd (I think).
In general, I must admit that I never had an orgasm with a man, but despite this, sex and closeness have always brought me pleasure. I was always drawn to men and fell in love with men. However, I had an episode in my life where I watched lesbian pornography and started masturbating to it, and then I always had an orgasm. Perhaps the most exciting thing for me was that there was such a taboo subject. I was never worried about it, however, I did not think about it and I did not analize it, because in reality I was never attracted to women, I was even a little disgusted. I was always sure what I feel and who I like. Sometimes I kissed my girl friends (party etc.) and was picked up by women, but I didn't feel anything at all. When I met my current guy, I stopped watching these movies, forgot about it at all.
Suddenly in the fall, I started to wonder why I didn't have an orgasm with my boyfriend and then it reminded me that I always had an orgasm with lesbian porn and then it started. Intrusive thoughts, searching for answers on the Internet, the world went crazy. I don't feel like having sex. I want to do nothing. Nothing makes me happy. I don't know what I want, who I am. In the past it was for me incomprehensible how it could be possible to do not know it. I never had any doubts. I feel I have no control about my life. I'm afraid I go crazy and I destroy my reletionship if I do not resolve the problem now. I need help. Plus, I put the mesturbation technique into my sex with my partner and I normally get an orgasm by oral sex. It calmed me down a bit, but it's hard to get rid of these thoughts now, because my reletionship is very importent to me and
fears want to take away from us what is most important to us. Maybe I am really a hidden lesbian? However, I can't imagine a relationship with a woman, I don't even feel like I could even try sex with my boyfriend and another girl together or something. I just want everything to be as in the past. I am not a homophobe by any means, I have friends lesbians, gays. My family and friends are extremely tolerant. I live in Germany, a very tolerant country, so I see no reason why I would have to hide that I am a lesbian. Anyway, if I am a lesbian, I would have noticed it earlier, I would fall in love with some girl in the past. It is impossible to do not know it. I am now 26 years old.
Anyone have similar experiences? Did anyone come out of this? Could you help me?
I want to stop to search the things in internet. It makes me crazy. I feel I lose the control. My therapist said to me I have to stop to search, because this is just a fear and I still have it in my head, because I deal with it all the time, but it is hard to believe that this is just the fear and I am not a lesbian. I feel better if I do not read the things one week etc., but than I have a wrong day and I need to calm down and I start to read again. I know the best way it would be just survive the bad days, but it is hard and I need to read.
Thank you for your help!